t was a simple text message, but when I sent it to Erich, it made a loud statement.
For over two years now, I've had hopes of spending more time with a specific woman. This weekend, I've finally decided it has to end. To be honest, had I written this post this morning it would have been filled with more anger. A long drive, a kick-ass James Taylor concert and a glass of wine have subdued me quite a bit. Instead, I'll just tell the facts.
She was what I thought I wanted, what I thought I needed. We dated for a short time, but I always had her in the back of my mind. Two different times over the past two years I've made open hearted efforts to welcome someone else in. Neither of which worked at the time. Deep down ... I probably wasn't fair to either. I learn.
All this time I've been clouded by this one woman, girl, who has been so confused. Whether it was her desire or not, there have been countless times where you could say I've been led on. Each time, I've told my friends I understood what was taking place. I was in control. Friends are friends for a reason: they know you better than you know yourself. They were right, I had no control.
So with this girl recently broken up ... or taking a break ... or whatever ... I was invited to a wedding, to be her date. We met half-way on the drive, and had an early dinner. We both were flirty, she was receptive. I thought, finally ... we have a chance to be together and just enjoy each other. We finished our drive and spent the night with some of her wonderful friends, a young married couple who seemed to have everything in perspective. Their home was warm, and I was feeling comfortable.
The following day, we made our way to the ceremony. It took place in a beautiful Catholic church in downtown Columbus, OH. I hadn't been to a full blown Catholic wedding in some time. It was a fine ceremony, and the priest made many points, some of which I'll mention in a bit.
We found our way to the reception, and I felt a strange distance. As we walked around, I had to introduce myself to most folks. I don't think she meant to forego introductions on purpose. It was simply coincidence, however it was telling. The reception was enjoyable ... great food, drinks, music, dancing, smiling, two families enjoying each other. Everything a wedding should be.
So we danced a few times, but I spent more time dancing with her friends or people I'd never met before. It doesn't take much to keep me entertained. We finished the evening and made our way to the car. Eight minutes in to our 30 minute drive home, she began crying. More like sobbing. She refused to explain what was bothering her until I pulled the car over. I knew. I didn't even have to ask, but being the concerned boy, I did. In fact I was correct. She was upset and thinking about her ex ... or her boy ... or whatever. A few minutes into the conversation, I started the car up and began our small trip back to her friends' house. She knew I was upset. Yes, even I can get tired of hearing the same thing over and over again. Just when I thought there was a chance to actually spend time together, the truth came out.
She continued being very affectionate the entire trip back to the house. She wanted reassurance I wasn't mad. I couldn't provide it. I was frustrated. We finally made it home, and we sat in my car in front of the house. Finally it hit me, I knew this was it. My emotions got the best of me, and I started to tear. How does she respond? She tries to walk away, claiming she can't deal with it. Guess what? I've been dealing with her shit for over two years, and I was always there for her. Never once did I walk away. I listened when she was upset, and I offered advice when I could. When I confronted her about this, she finally realized how selfish she had been. Apparently her boy ... whatever ... tells her the same thing. I give the guy more credit than ever before. He knows.
She then begins to feel guilty, assuring me she didn't use me as a date. She wanted me here. She wanted to try. It was a failed attempt. She wasn't ready to deal with things. She wasn't ready to open the hole in her heart. She then became very affectionate, wanting me to stay the night with her. At this point, all I wanted to do was get the hell out. I was about 7 and 1/2 hours away from home, but I was prepared to start the drive at 1am. But I didn't. I stayed. In some ways, I used her. I figured, why not have one hell of a make-out session before I left. At this point, I was so angry. Looking back, I feel better it didn't go further than that. It would've been a mistake we both would have regretted.
So I woke up early, showered and was ready to hit the road. Right as I was grabbing the door handle, she appeared on the stairwell. Was I going to leave without saying goodbye? Yes. I was done. I didn't want to deal with the drama anymore. I gave a horrible hug, shut the door and left Ohio.
She's not it ... and I knew it at the ceremony. The priest made many statements about marriage. His first, and most important point was that love is built over time spent with someone. Clue #1. We never did spend enough time together. At this point, it didn't seem like she wanted it. I was getting tired of dealing with her. Clue #2? The priest spoke of love being built of so many things, and not just starting with lust or passion. I certainly had these feelings for her. I had even more feelings, but they began with lust and passion. She is a beautiful girl, but a girl all the same.
She's not it ... and I finally know this. I knew I had to wipe a clean slate. I erased her number from my phone. I blocked her from IM. I plan on emailing her once more, sending her pictures from the wedding. After that? It would take a miracle for me to have any desire to continue the communication. There is no hate, no ill will. There is only exhaustion. I'm physically and emotionally drained. I can't do it any more with her. I could easily just let this slide, like I've done in the past, allowing my gullible heart to take over. This time is different. This time, my emotion is so deflated, it is gone. It is so far gone, the only positive thing I can think on the drive home? At least I was able to see her body one last time. Call me an asshole, or a prick. At this point, I don't care. I'm done. I can no longer feel sorry for her. My compassion for her situation has run out.
I shouldn't totally dog her. If there is one thing she has helped me with, it was giving me a kick in the pants a few weeks ago. When I was on my road trip, she spent some time with me. We discussed religion, and it made me realize I'm too far removed from my God. I'm not going to turn into some hypocritical "I've found Jesus" type. I've always believed in my religion and the Lord. I realize now I need to invest more into that relationship. He does have a plan. Clearly my plan was not to have any permanent time with this girl. My plan is far better and greater and somewhere down the line.
She's not it, and now it is time to put this to rest. I wish nothing but the best for anyone with which I've ever been involved. No one should ever confuse my wishes with desire. Be good. Do good. Just don't expect anything else from me ever again. This is my time. This is the time where I need to be fair to others who cross my path. Fair to others who maybe I let slide away. Who knows what is next ... but maybe that will be the best part.