I miss you. Do you know what it feels like to miss someone so deeply it's painful? There's such a hole in my heart, a void in my life, a pain I can't bear. Your absence is felt every minute of every day. It's unbearable. It's unfair. It's awful. Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe, the grief is so much I think it might crush me. We didn't get to do enough. I needed more time with you.
I'm so mad you're not here. Sometimes I want to punch something or scream until I'm too worn out to be angry anymore. I am angry. I am pissed. You were too young to die. Why couldn't they save you? Why didn't God heal you on earth? Why you? Why us? Why anyone? WHY? You had no right to get sick and leave. Do you hear me? NO RIGHT. This was NOT the plan. I'm so tired of people telling me God has a perfect plan. That is total bullshit. There is no plan in taking a father from his young daughters and pregnant wife. That's evil and cruel, there's nothing perfect or planned about it. I hope he has plan to help us put our life back together. Right now, life is hard and I can't see the path to "okay."
What am I supposed to tell Emery about her daddy? What I am supposed to tell Baby #3? How am I supposed to comfort Arabelle when she calls for daddy on the weekends and you're not here. Sorry kids, your dad got sick and passed away suddenly and I don't know why. Great. Just great. Kids need dads. We talked about that so much and yet you left three behind. Damn you, Jay. Damn you. I can't do our life alone. Despite what you think, I am not that strong. I am just me, you were my life force. You were more alive than I ever was...why did you leave?
I am broken. I am not me without you. I am lonely. I surround myself with friends and family constantly, but I am still alone. You are gone. My perfect partner, my husband, my best friend, my greatest fan, the most significant piece of my life for the last 11 years is gone. Wiped away, disappeared, vanished in moments right before my eyes. Do you know how awful that was? Our life seemed so perfect and days later it was turned upside down. Why did this happen? I wish our story lasted longer, so much longer. It wasn't enough. It was way too short.
I love you. I miss you. I wish you were here every moment of every day.