Happy Memories

Dear Jay,

I went to your grave today. I put a poinsettia there for you. I'm sorry I didn't bring Christmas lights and Darth Vader. I know you're disappointed. ;-) I did joke about placing a Star Wars toy, a wrestling action figure, a Blue Jays flag, and some other items there though. It could be the most interesting grave in the whole place, or the junkiest? The thought made me laugh. You do have a LOT of stuff. There's plenty of items to choose from around here!

It's easy to be sad without you. Actually, it's my normal right now. I thought tonight I could focus on happy memories rather than my grief. So here are a few things that popped into my head in the last few days that made me smile...

• Shortly after we met I inquired about the type of car you drove. I'm pretty sure you thought I was shallow. You seemed genuine, but I was trying to figure out if you were what you seemed. I thought perhaps you were really a meat head in a Jeep, a pretty boy in a sports car, or a redneck in a truck. Stereotypes, yes. Rude, sure. At the time, that was my perception of college boys. Of course, you weren't in college when we met that's why I called you my "man friend." I was relieved to learn you drove an Isuzu Rodeo. Somehow it put you in my "must be a normal guy" category. In the end, material things were unimportant because I fell in love with you. It turns out you were the best person I've ever known.

• The first time you told me you loved me. It was in 2005. I thought you were drunk. I wasn't sure you meant what you said. I thought I heard you wrong, maybe I was dreaming, maybe anything...surely Jay Lowe didn't just say he loved me. But you did. You love me. You made me feel loved every single day and treasured every moment we had together. You continue to fill my heart with love.

• The road trip from Winston-Salem to Atlanta for the Sugar Bowl in January 2006. We were beginning to see and plan our future together. We talked about getting married, having children one day, about my move to Nashville, and many other things. I remember that road trip as the start of our life together. It was the first time "we" made plans. It was one of the best road trips I've ever taken with you.

Happy memories. Our life together was beautiful and perfect and full of love.

I love you. I miss you. I wish you were here.

Yours,

Courtney