Dear Jay,

I sat down to write you several days ago and I couldn't. It's strange how things ebb and flow. Writing to you was so cathartic and necessary for several weeks. The other day, though, I just couldn't open myself up to write. Sometimes I fight my emotions especially when I'm at work or out somewhere, and sometimes I embrace them, because I need that release.  But the other day, really many days recently, that part of me is shut down- a self-preservation of sorts. I'm not closed off to all emotions, but taking a time out from the grief. I don't know if that's a stage of grief or just my mind's way of coping. Either way, it's been both necessary and good.

I learned, I mean really learned, and came to understand some very important truths in the past month. I don't know if that's a result of my break from grieving, or just part of that "time sort of heals all wounds" business. When you first passed, it felt really important to have your cremains physically with me. I could not handle the idea of you being somewhere else particularly since I wasn't ready to let you go. I'm still not, I never will be, but I'm accepting that's not a choice I get to make. Now though, I feel as if you are always with me. Maybe that's why I don't need to write you as often. You know what's on my mind, and in my heart, because you're always here and I'm always talking to you. I understand your physical body is no longer here, and your soul is just in the "next room" so to speak. I see your beautiful spirit in the girls every day. I carry part of it with me, too. There's a great deal of peace that comes with that knowledge.

The other thing I not only understand, but actually believe now, is that we are not alone. People have been telling me we'll never be alone since this whole different life started. The reality is not many people can actually fathom the grief of a woman that lost her partner and true love in life, and that made me feel alone. There is still a deep sadness, questions of why, and a longing for you that will never leave me. Despite that, I don't feel alone anymore. That's a powerful feeling. Grief isn't swallowing me up, just nipping at me, which I expect to last until we meet again.

I love you. I miss you always.

Yours,

Courtney

Dear Jay,

How has a week passed since I wrote you last? It seems time flies whether you're having fun or not. The one constant in life: time. It moves forward no matter what. I suppose that's good in some ways, challenging in other ways.

I think of you all the time. I speak of you frequently. I miss you every day. I am constantly aware of the empty spot you once occupied, of the void left behind, of this hole in my heart. I am aware of it first thing in the morning, while I'm getting the girls ready for school, in the car, at the dinner table, when I visit with our friends, when I think about the future and what should have been, at night when I go to bed...all. day. long.

Someone told me you never get over a loss like this, you just learn how to carry it. I understand that all too well now. I'll never get over losing you, I'll never get over the girls losing their daddy, I'll never feel our time with you was enough. I am learning to carry the weight of your loss. Some days I do it with courage, because there's no other option. Some days I just survive, because that's good enough. It is always tough and there will always be an emptiness without you, but I'm working hard to find the positive moments in each day. I know you are proud, because I know how much you believed in me. I think I'm doing okay given the rotten lemons life gave us.

There so many decisions to make, so many things to take care, so many situations I need help navigating. It's time consuming, overwhelming, and exhausting. I so desperately want to talk to you about these things. You've been my sounding board for the last 10 years. Being an adult is so hard sometimes. Maybe being alive is just hard sometimes? You were always so objective. It was irritating sometimes, but I valued your advice. You were usually right in the end. Yes, I said it...you were usually right. I remember whining one time that you were supposed to be on my side and the look on your face said otherwise. I still see that look. I hear you telling me not to infer tone from an email. I feel you challenging me to consider the issue from all sides. I feel you encouraging me to be assertive, to address issues rather than letting them stew. I know you're telling me I can do it, I will figure it all out, I don't have to know all the answers right now. Again, you're right.

Although I feel such a deep sense of loss without you, it is often apparent I gained so much more from you than I lost. You were a gift to me, to your family, to your friends, to so many people.

I love you endlessly and unconditionally. I miss you always.

Yours,

Courtney

Dear Jay,

I miss you. I am a different me without you. My perspective is forever changed. I'm still trying to focus on the good things and the happy memories, but that doesn't fill the void in my heart. Or the void in life. It doesn't make me laugh when I'm mad or comfort me when I'm sad like you always did. It has been a very emotional weekend and all I really needed was you. Just you, the one thing I can't have. 

I'm taking things one day at at time, sometimes one moment at a time. Generally, we're doing okay. Managing everything without you is hard though. It can seem and feel overwhelming and stressful. At night after the girls go to bed, I feel like I should be following up on things, making decisions about our life, writing thank you notes, cleaning our house, figuring out where Baby #3 will go, so many things to sort out. I want to discuss these things with you. You've been my sounding board for the last 10 years and suddenly you're gone. Most days I'm so worn out that I just go to bed right after the girls. At the end of the day, I need both a mental time out and a physical break. I know I'll never get a true mental break from this grief, but sometimes my mind needs the rest my heart cannot have. I let myself off the hook and save those things for another day.

I miss you, Jay. I miss everything about you. I miss the way you let your clothes pile up on the step stool in the closet. I miss the way you came in the door and always hugged and kissed me. I miss the way you and danced and played with the girls. I miss your laugh and your love of classic toys. I miss the way you made me laugh every day. I miss your Sunday night PPV wrestling parties. I miss talking with you.

I still don't understand how all this happened. I can't remember what we talked about that Tuesday in the hospital. It's so blurry now. It happened so fast. There was barely time to process it all. I didn't think it was that serious. I knew you'd be fine...and then you were gone. How? Why? I'm still so confused.

Some days it weighs heavier on me than other days. I miss you so deeply. I never thought I'd live without you. Truly, I didn't. In my head, we would grow old together and I would go before you. We would be old together, that's the key point. I never saw this coming.

As Arabelle would say, I love you in the whole wide universe. I miss you all the time.

Yours,

Courtney

Dear Jay,

The last couple of days have been hard. I had a really good week, but things began to weigh heavy on my mind by Friday. The tears streamed down Friday night as I put Emery to bed. I don't want to feel sad for us, for me, for you, but sometimes I cannot help it. I try really hard to focus on our happy memories and all the beautiful things in our life. On Friday evening, I couldn't help but wonder what we would have done with our long weekend. I miss you so much it hurts.

Yesterday wasn't much better. I didn't feel well and I was sad. We spent yesterday evening with family and that was good. It made me feel better to get out of the house. The girls always love playing with their cousins.

Today isn't getting any better either. I have finally openly admitted that I need to re-home our dogs. I'm so very sorry I have to do that. I hope you are not disappointed. It really breaks my heart. Though I knew this was something I needed to do, I have avoided it for awhile. I wasn't sure I could emotionally handle it. That may still prove difficult, but I know deep down it's the best thing I can do for the dogs.

Salem and Sherman came to live with us shortly after we got engaged. They've been with us from the beginning. Yoda showed up 6 months later. Making the decision to let them go feels like letting you go all over again. It's awful. I simply cannot give them the time and attention they deserve. They should be with someone that can love them and play with them, and I just cannot do it all alone. I'm so sorry, Jay. I hope you understand. I hope I can forgive myself one day as well.

I love you forever. I miss you more than you'll ever know.

Yours,

Courtney

Dear Jay,

I am happy today. Truly happy. Nothing extraordinary happened. I just feel happy. Maybe it's the pregnancy hormones? Maybe I slept well last night? Maybe this is a natural part of grief, up and down? Or maybe I'm realizing we are going to be okay, we are going to live and thrive, and make our life beautiful. We are going to fill our life with special moments, happy memories, and love for you and for us. I feel very hopeful about our future. My mind is not scared and my heart does not feel crushed...today. I know there will still be moments that are bittersweet, sad, and heartbreaking, but today is a good day. I am learning to live in and accept all of life's moments.

I am making a conscious effort to be happy, to focus on all the good things in the world, to embrace and accept our life, to be thankful all day every day. I know now that every day we are alive is a special day, one to be celebrated and cherished. Life is incredibly short and we know all too well how quickly it can change. I feel a shift in my being. I don't know quite what it is or what it will lead to, but a shift is happening. I think it is a good thing. I feel stronger today than I have in awhile. I don't doubt that I can do this, that I can raise our daughters (all 3 of them!) to be happy, kind, loving, and gracious young ladies. We can and will make you proud. We will all live up to your legacy.

Many people have impacted my life, but no one more than you. Sometimes I think you must have been an angel sent to me. When I look back on our life together, all I can see is a truly beautiful life full of love and happiness. We had many ups and some downs, but you and I had a connection and love that will last a lifetime. I hope everyone experiences the kind of love we shared. It made my life so much richer. I am thankful you picked me. I do not know how I snagged you, but I did and that makes me smile every day. The goodness and love you exuded taught me more about myself and the way I want to live than you'll ever know. Your encouragement, support, and faith in me continues to give me strength. I know you are my biggest cheerleader, you so much as told me at my first OB appointment. I can feel you pushing me, encouraging me, helping me, and looking out for me. Being your friend, your partner in life, and mother of your children is and always will be the greatest honor of my life.

Marian posted the quote below on our Facebook group the other day and it really resonated with me. I think it is an important way to look at life after a tragedy. This will stick with me for a very long time. I found it very profound and inspirational. If the roles were reversed, it's exactly what I would want you to focus on and I am certain it is what you want me to focus on.

I'll never stop wishing you were here with us. I am beginning to learn that wishing for something that will never happen may disrupt my ability to embrace life as it is. Living in the moment, hard as it may be at times, is important. We both know there is still so much to be thankful for despite losing you.

I love you endlessly and unconditionally. I miss you deeply.

Yours,

Courtney

Dear Jay,

So we're having another girl. You were right. You said it would be a girl. I felt so strongly it was a boy for the last couple months. I was surprised. It took me a couple hours to process. So, three girls. Oh, the craziness that will be (or already is) our life. I wish you were going to be here to see them grow up, to wipe away their tears, to kiss their boo boos, to read them stories at night, to play with them, to sing with them, to be their daddy. I know you are so proud of them. They are such beautiful rays of light in the darkest moment of my life.

My heart is still very heavy without you. I'm heartbroken you'll have a daughter that will never truly know you. I worry I'm not enough. You left such big shoes to fill, you were bigger than life. I am trying to be the best I can be for them. I hope every day to make you proud, to live up to the strong woman you saw in me, to live as freely and openly as you. I am a work in progress. The grief still weighs very heavy on me, but I am trying.

Arabelle cried for you this morning. We were on the way to her favorite breakfast spot and I noticed she was upset. She was sad for you. She misses you. She said she wanted you. It crushed my heart. I know she thinks of you and misses you, but I guess I hope she's okay, that she doesn't feel a deep sadness. I hope I can bear the burden of grief for her and Emery. Wishful thinking. I know I cannot and I do not.

You're on my mind all day every day, but I've been too tired some nights to write you. Single parenting while pregnant isn't easy. There is still such a void without you. We are managing our different life and learning to accept it, even though we all want our old life back. 

I hope you are well. I hope I'll see you in my dreams. I hope we'll be truly happy again one day.

I love you.  I miss you. I wish you were here.

Yours,

Courtney

Dear Jay,

I had a strange dream last night. It left me a little sideways this morning. Maybe it's the pregnancy hormones, maybe it's because I am missing you so much, maybe it's my brain trying to make sense of things. I remembered every detail. It played in my head over and over today.

We had a large gathering with friends from all different parts of your life. You were leaving in two weeks. It wasn't said, but understood you were leaving permanently. You were dying. You weren't sick though. Your time was ending and we all knew why we were there. It wasn't a sad gathering, we celebrated your life. There was a large dinner to follow the gathering. As people prepared for dinner time, some friends went straight to the dinner locale and others decided to venture off for a pre-dinner drink elsewhere.

You were trying to decide where to go with a few friends. I asked you to wait for me. I wanted to be with you. I don't know where I went, but when I returned you were gone. Assuming you skipped the pre-dinner drink, I headed to the dinner locale. You weren't there. I was upset you left me and a little angry. We were in a big city that was unfamiliar to me. I wasn't sure where you had gone. I grabbed my purse, phone, and a gun (?) and headed off to find you. I mapped the location where I thought you might be. On the way, I felt scared and vulnerable and like danger was lurking right behind me and in front of me at every turn. I got angry and I called you. You answered the phone, but I don't remember you speaking. I was so pissed at you for leaving me in a scary situation I cursed at you. My anger turned into distress and pouting. I hung up very abruptly as if I was going to teach you a lesson.

You didn't call me back or even text me. I felt deeply hurt and abandoned. It took a lot of work to get to the place where I thought you might be. It was like I was in a maze with obstacles at every turn, but it was a city, a big scary city. You weren't there. I mapped another place. You still didn't call. Everything was so densely packed in the city and yet so far away, it was difficult to get anywhere. I was both tired and scared, so I ran into an Asian restaurant. I wandered through their sparse gift shop. There was something in there that was attracted to me. I don't know what it was exactly, it was hanging from the ceiling like a pinata. It moved towards me. It wouldn't get away from me. The store clerks said it was attracted to people that had spirits around them. I didn't understand what they meant. I got scared and ran out of the store.

Not matter how hard I tried I couldn't find you. You were constantly out of reach, just beyond my grasp. You were there, but I couldn't get to you. Every time I got close, it seems like you moved on to the next location. I never knew exactly where you were.

I was rattled this morning. There's weird version of reality in my dreams. It was so vivid it could have been real. Why did I remember so much of it? Was it the realistic aspect of it? Was it the pregnancy hormones messing with my head?

I get the symbolism and realism of the whole thing. I know you didn't leave me. I know you had to go, but that doesn't change the feelings that follow losing you. I know you are here, just out of touch/reach, beyond recognition, but you are here. 

I think of you all the time. I talk to you all the time. Mostly in my mind, sometimes out loud. I hope you can hear me.

I love you. I miss you all the time. I wish you were here.

Yours,

Courtney

Dear Jay,

To say I miss you would be the understatement of a lifetime. I felt like I was beginning to accept our different life, that I was fighting it less. I may have been wrong. The last couple days have been rough. I've fought back my grief and tears too many times to count. Sometimes I don't want to feel sad, I want to be okay. I am not, of course, but I want to be okay for the girls. I know it'll take time. Sometimes I still feel like I can't breathe. My soul is still crushed, my heart is still shattered, and I wonder why this happened. At night, the days in the hospital play in my head over and over. I'm searching for something, anything, an answer. I want to make sense of all this, and yet I know it won't make any difference.

I hear people talk about faith and God's plan...I can't believe this was God's plan. Our daughters don't have a daddy. How could that ever be part of God's plan? How unfair and cruel. I am sad for them every day. I'm heart broken for them all the time. I worry about Arabelle, she never got to tell you good bye. Will she resent me for that one day? Will that crush her soul like it does mine? What about Emery? Will she grow up with a void in her life? Will they be okay? I can't be everything and I worry about them and their future. How will they ever know what a happy, healthy relationship looks like? I'll tell them, but it's not the same as seeing your parents in love. It's not the same as having your daddy to show you how you are to be treated by a man. Nothing will ever be the same. That's a harsh reality, one I could do without. 

People tell me I will be okay, but I will not be the same. I know that to be true, but I didn't really get it until recently. Things I cared about two months seem unimportant now. Most problems seems trivial and I can't small talk with people. I'm still very wrapped up in my own pain and sadness. I want to care about other things, I want to be interested, but I'm just not there yet. I hoped that would pass in time. A couple days ago, something happened that made me realize I am different. It wasn't a significant event, other than it hit me that I may always be different. A part of me passed away with you. For a little while, I grieved for me, for the loss of who I was. I don't know who I am or who I will become, but I hope I'm a better person than I was before. Really, all I want is to be me again...the me who got to spend life with you.

I am tired of looking at our life in pictures, of replaying memories in my head. Sometimes I feel angry that we were robbed of our life together, sometimes I am deeply saddened. It's such a confusing range of emotions. We no longer exist in the present or the future. We are a part of the past. Of course, I have the girls and baby #3 and they are part of us that exist in the present and future, but "we" do not. It's awful. It's not even something that was a part of my nightmares or worst fears, because it wasn't something I perceived could happen. It wasn't something I even saw coming.

It is real, and it is painful, and sometimes I want to pack up and move. I want to escape it all and start fresh. I want to be anywhere away from here, away from this reality, away from this hell. Realistically, I know it'll come with me. I can't run away from these feelings. I carry them with me all the time, maybe one day I'll get used to them and carry them differently.

I'm always looking over my shoulder, I'm always searching for you, for some recognition that you're there.

I love you. I miss you every moment of every day. I wish you were here all the time.

Yours,

Courtney

Dear Jay,

Tomorrow will be six weeks without you. Six weeks. I never thought I'd live a moment without you, let alone six weeks. I have survived. We survived. It hasn't been easy. Some days are exceptionally hard and some days are okay and maybe we've even had a few good days. We aren't thriving yet, but we will one day.

I'm almost done sorting our life out. I'm ready for that part to be done. Perhaps, it'll give me some kind of closure. I feel like I've been living in limbo, needing to move forward, but fighting it. I've wanted to go back so desperately, but need to let that go...it's never going to happen. I'm so keenly aware of your absence though and often wonder why I'm doing life without you. It's cruel and unfair and hard. I still feel lost without you. I find myself looking over my shoulder frequently. I'm waiting for you, I'm looking for you, I'm hoping to find you. My soul is seeking some sort of sign that you're here.

I want to see you so desperately I've been dreaming about you. I keep dreaming we're back in the hospital and you're getting better, not slipping away. Is that my subconscious giving me what I want? It leaves me confused and restless. I haven't been sleeping that well at night. I've been sick and sometimes I'm anxious. I suppose that's normal.

It's almost the New Year. I remember a couple years ago you were really disappointed we weren't spending New Year's Eve together. We'd celebrated every New Year together since 2004. You had to travel to a bowl game and it didn't make sense to drag Arabelle down to FL or put the dogs in the kennel again. I stayed home. Claire came over with Chance. I think I was pregnant with Emery and Claire had recently discovered she was pregnant with Piper. Two pregnant chicks, what fun! You ended up having a really good time in FL. We missed each other, but we had an entire year to celebrate together. Claire is coming over again tomorrow and it'll be us and the babies. I can hardly imagine facing a New Year without you. I don't understand how life can exist without you. I know I'll see you again one day. Until then, I'll miss you every moment of every day.

Arabelle is celebrating the New Year at the beach with Nanny, Papa, and Chance. They left today. She was really excited. She jumped right out of bed and proceeded to ask me all morning why they were taking so long. That's her new thing, everything "takes forever." Once they finally got here, she practically ran out the door. I'm really happy she could go with them, but I miss her so much already.

Oh, you know what Arabelle said the other day? We were at the grocery store and out of the blue she said, "I want to hug you mommy, because daddy loved you so much. Now he lives in your heart." Melt my heart. I nearly cried. Her and Emery seem to know when I need a little extra love. They always seem to pick the right moments for hugs and kisses or sweet reminders of you.

Since Arabelle went to the beach today, I got to spend some one on one time with Em tonight.  We colored on the couch! Oh yea, she got some magical markers that only color on special paper so we can color anywhere now. She did try to eat the markers and she still bites the tops of crayons. Ugh. We ate dinner, snuggled on the couch, and recorded a video for Arabelle.  She says, "I love you, Arabelle" now. It's really sweet. We're still working on the teeth brushing thing. Gosh, I wish I knew how you brushed her teeth. She does not cooperate with me at all.  She tells me, "stop it" and "no." What a booger!

Happy almost New Year, baby.

I love you. I miss you every day.  I wish you were here.

Yours,

Courtney

Dear Jay,

We made it to The Dash and spent several days with your family. Arabelle got so excited when we pulled into Alice's neighborhood, she started squealing with delight.  She was really happy there with your family.  I think Emery was, too, but she was also rather clingy and didn't sleep very well.  It was a bit exhausting. Despite that, the trip was really good for all of us. We spent an evening with the Grants as well.  In some ways, I felt very much like you were there despite the enormous void we feel in your absence. For the first time since this nightmare started, I felt truly at peace. My heart didn't feel broken, my mind wasn't overly anxious, and my soul didn't feel crushed. Being with your family and friends was so good for me, for the girls. It didn't make me miss you any less and I know there are still rough days ahead, but for a few days I felt "okay."

I know you always worried about me, especially when I was taking the girls out. You always worried about our safety and if I was doing too much. Everything feels like "too much" right now, but it's our life and we have to adapt. We made it safely up to NC and back. I was selective in choosing locations to stop and minimized stops at that. I also let several people know exactly where I was and when we got back on the road. I thought of you and how you worried and how you probably wouldn't like me traveling alone with the girls. Unfortunately, that's our only option. Don't worry, Jay, I know my limits and I'll ask for help when I need it. We'll manage, it won't be easy, but we'll figure it out.

The girls had a great Christmas. They were happy, which made me happy. I found much peace and comfort spending time with loved ones. I survived Christmas. I wasn't sure how it was going to be, but I survived and even enjoyed myself. You are so greatly missed. So many memories flooded my mind the last few days, so much happiness, so much life, so much love, and so much loss. It's still so confusing and so hard.

I love you. I miss you so much. I wish you were here.

Yours,

Courtney