It's been 10 days since you left us. The weight of losing you nearly crushed me today. Everything is difficult right now. Everything is painful. Everything feels awful. But today was especially painful. Perhaps, it was the fear of facing tomorrow, of facing our different life, a life I don't want. Arabelle and Emery return to school. Life is moving forward, meanwhile I feel frozen in place, paralyzed by grief. I have to begin sorting out our life without you. I'm only 34, you're only 38 - we were supposed to do so many things together. I shouldn't be planning my life without you.
I don't know why today was so awful, but it was. I feel broken. At the celebration of your life, I told people not to be sad for us, but today I was really sad for me. I felt pain and grief like I never have before. I sat in our room and cried for a couple hours. I needed to let it out. I've been fighting it for days. I've cried a lot since you left, but today I needed a really good, ugly cry by myself. I let it happen. I couldn't fight it. The pain consumed me. I didn't feel better when it was over either. I still feel unbelievably sad and lost without you. I'm sad for the girls, for me, for all the future experiences and memories that were taken from us. I'm sad we had Thanksgiving without you. I'm sad Christmas will come and you won't be here. I'm sad I'll spend New Years Eve with you. I'm sad this happened, I'm sad you're gone.
I don't want to do life without you. I know you're here, but it's different. It's not the same. Life seems impossible without you. How am I supposed to raise our girls without their daddy? It's so unfair. It's so wrong. They need you, I need you. I don't know why you had to leave us. I told you we'd be okay, because I didn't want you to worry, but I'm not sure that was true. I don't feel like I'll be okay.
I can't express how deeply I miss you, how badly I want to hold your hand, or what I wouldn't give to reach over and feel you lying in bed next to me. Our life is different, it feels less colorful, more scary, and less full without you. I don't like it.
I miss you. I love you. I wish you were here.