Dear Jay, 

​I'm short on words lately, but full of feelings I want to go away. You know what I think about feelings. They're gross and should be avoided. If only it were that easy. There's still so many feelings...grief, sadness, anger, confusion, loneliness, despair, so many stupid feelings. I say it all the time, but I still can't wrap my brain around your sudden passing, and yet I live with it every day. I still can't comprehend how you could be healthy one day and so sick the next. It just doesn't make sense. Maybe that's why I still can't process it. I know it happened. I was there. For all of it. I don't think of those days much; they're too painful, but I was there with you. 

I couldn't write to you on your birthday. I just shutdown emotionally instead. Must be my brain's way of coping. We did celebrate your birthday with "chicken, rice, & cheese" and chocolate cupcakes though. Arabelle was concerned about who would blow out your candle. We each lit one in your memory. Your birthday marked 12 years since we had met. I never imagined there wouldn't be many more years together. Yesterday was May 27...you proposed to me 10 years ago. Again, I never imagined there wouldn't be many more years together. Last month was tough, this month was tough, I suppose that's how grief works. 

The first song we danced to as husband and wife at our wedding was in a movie I watched this evening...I fell apart. I can't listen to any music you played regularly. No Jackopierce, no Vertical Horizon, no Edwin McCain. I become an emotional wreck. I'm not at the point where it's cathartic, I'm at the point where I get upset before I even realize why I'm upset. I hope that will change one day. 

Sometimes I feel lost without you. I don't know what to do with myself after the girls go to bed. I am still me, sort of. Or maybe I'm trying to find my way back to me? I don't know yet. Either way, finding me without you is hard. I want to keep my mind occupied and busy all the time. My idle mind is a sad mind, it focuses too much on you and how much I miss you. Thoughts of you are always prevalent in my mind, but I can manage and cope with those thoughts (and feelings) better when my mind isn't idle. At some point, I should be comfortable being alone, right? I shouldn't feel lost or anxious about those moments alone. That will come back, right?  

Baby girl will be here next month. I'm actively avoiding feelings associated with bringing our daughter into the world without you. I'm hoping that June's delivery of a new life brings new joy, happiness, and hope. 

I miss you. I'll always miss you. I'll always feel you were taken to soon. There's such an emptiness in the spot you once occupied. To me, you were so much larger than life. I don't believe this hole, this emptiness without you will ever go away. I guess you just learn to carry it over time.

I love you always. 

Yours, 

Courtney  

Dear Jay, 

It's been six months. I don't know where the time has gone; life has moved so fast. Arabelle finished pre-k yesterday day. In place of a pre-k graduation, her school did a spring musical. She was great. She danced and sang and smiled. You would have been so proud. I cried because you weren't there, because my heart smiled at her beautiful spirit, because I was so proud of her, because I was sad for her that you are gone, because there's so many of life's "firsts"' that we'll have to do without you. 

Your 39th birthday is in five days. It'll also be six months since your memorial service. Baby #3 will be here in less than six weeks and our nine year anniversary is in six weeks. I have many different feelings about all of this; many feelings I want to go away.  I just keep thinking about what you would tell Arabelle when she was upset, "take a deep breath, it'll be okay." 

I know it'll be okay, a different kind of okay, but okay nonetheless. Sometimes, most of the time, this isn't the version of "okay" I want. I want a life with you in it. I want a life with my husband in it. I want a life where we raise our daughters together. I want a life where our daughters have their daddy. I want a life where I don't have to tell a two year old where her daddy is. I want a life where I'm bringing our 3rd child into the world with you. I want life that's full of experiences and not just memories of you. I want our old life back. I actively focus on accepting life as it is now, because I think that's emotionally and mentally healthier, and I think you want us to thrive. But my heart is still broken. I still miss you every day. I still think of you every day. I still wonder why you're no longer here with us. I still can't process the reality of it all. I still don't understand...I never will. 

I miss you like I've never missed anyone. I love you forever. 

Yours, 
​
​Courtney 

 Dear Jay, 

Sometimes the pain of your loss takes my breath away. Sometimes I cannot look at your pictures without feeling angry and sad, without crying. Other days your pictures make me smile. I still feel so cheated. Though I know I should be grateful for the time I had with you, I will always feel cheated. I saw us growing old, sitting on a porch, watching our grandchildren play, reflecting on our life, and happily being retired together. I thought that was a given, not a maybe. How stupid I was and how frustrated I feel when people say, "you have time." No, that is not true; it is not a given, it is not a guarantee.  

I still can't get my mind around what happened. Most of the time I try not to think about those days in November. They were the worst days of my life, the scariest, most painful, most heartbreaking, longest, and hardest days I've ever been through. I hope and pray we never experience days like that again in the future.     

I feel more edgy, anxious. grumpy, and scared as your birthday approaches, as Baby Girl's arrival approaches, as time passes. Maybe it's the hormones and maybe it'll pass. Maybe it's part of the grief. I think Erich told me the four to six month window is hard as acceptance sets in. We're approaching six months already. Can you believe that? Time move so fast. With all the sudden changes, I feel overwhelmed at times. I suppose that's not out of the ordinary though. You'd always tell me to relax, to sit down, that I didn't have to do it all. Now, I do have to do it all - not all at once, of course. But I have to do it all. You're not here to help. I have handle kids things, baby things, house things, work things, bills, laundry, discipline, and the list goes on...all things. I feel pulled in many directions, which leaves me tired, stressed, grumpy, and just drained. All of those things are taxing for anybody, but especially for me....a pregnant, grieving, introverted mother of two. Going to the beach this summer would have been nice. I probably would have stayed down there for a couple weeks, just to take a break from our life. Maybe I'll get to escape down there after baby is born?  

I had a dream about you the other night. We were outside somewhere and you ran by, but didn't see us or hear us calling for you. Right there, but out of reach at the same time. The few dreams I have had about you seem to reflect the struggle in my mind...the notion that you're both here with us and in heaven. I want a dream where you see me, where I can talk to you, where you're not out of reach...just one. 

I love you always. I miss you more than I could ever express. 

Yours, 

Courtney 

Dear Jay, 

It's the 1st of May. You would tell me it's your birthday month. I would roll my eyes and tell you your birthday was cancelled. Secretly, I'd be trying to find you the perfect gift. I'd conspire with Arabelle to make you a cake. You and I would probably try to plan a night out with friends, but know that a quiet evening at home with the girls would be perfect, too. I miss you. I miss celebrating life with you. 

The month of April was tough emotionally. I had many rough days, many days I would have drawn strength and peace from you, many days I felt the pain of your absence very acutely. We celebrated Emery's 2nd birthday without you. I don't know how, but we managed. How could a two year old have lost her daddy? She didn't get a chance to even know you. Your parents came down for Emery's birthday. It was the first time we had seen them since Christmas. It was so good to spend time with them, to have them here with us, but it was bittersweet as well. You were missing. 

I took the girls on our first vacation without you during Spring Break. Nanny and Papa came with us. It would have been tough for me to mange without them. We went to Chattanooga and did the zoo, aquarium, Children's Museum, walked across the pedestrian bridge to a park on the water, ate hot dogs, ice cream, biscuit sandwiches, pizza, and drank too much Coke. The girls had a really good time. Arabelle picked out a blue and purple, semi-sparkly seahorse for herself and Emery. Emery carries hers around just like Arabelle did with the pink otter from the Atlanta Aquarium. 

The trip was emotional, just like everything else this month. Our last trip to Chattanooga was our first overnight trip as a family of four. We took Arabelle to see Thomas the Train. I'm not sure if Emery was even six weeks old. You and I met there some on the weekends when we were doing the long distance thing. I have many memories of us there. You should have been there. It was one of many firsts without you.

I co-hosted an evening co-ed baby shower for Doug and Lindsey. It was full of BBQ and beer and jokes about Doug being a dad. You would have loved it. Many good friends were there, but you were missing. 

Last weekend, Nanny and Papa moved to Athens, or really Oconee County. That was also emotional. They are here and you are not. Their new place is less than 10 minutes down the road. It's good for the girls, it's good for me. I am relived to have them to close now. Things are becoming more challenging as Baby Girl grows. I'm starting to slow down and my body aches. I'm just so grateful and thankful they're here in the OC with us. The girls were both sick a couple times this month. I had a few days I didn't feel well. We had some additional minor plumbing issues, the AC died...yes, for real. Ugh. Fortunately, Papa is right down the road and was able to meet an AC technician at our house and help me assess my options for repairs or replacement. We're getting a new AC tomorrow and Papa will be at the house to handle that. So, yes, very thankful they are so close. 

I'm preparing for Baby Girl's arrival, which meant sorting through your things in the guest bedroom. You guessed it, also emotional. It also meant moving your furniture to the basement and shifting some other things around. Again, thankful Nanny and Papa are here to help me shift things around. 

To end the month, a group of volunteers from Chosen for Life, part of Both Hands, were here yesterday to spruce up our yard. They tore out all the junk in the backyard, dug up dead shrubs, cleaned out the building debris, planted many flowers and shrubs in the front and backyard, gave us a fire pit for roasting marshmallows, and put together an amazing play set for the girls. There were over 60 people here giving us a beautiful yard. They even helped move some of the furniture and got rid of some of the junk in the basement. They were here, because you are not. 

So, April was full of celebrations in many ways, and all those celebrations were without you. Perhaps, that's what made April so tough. April has ended and now we're headed into your birthday month. We all miss you very much. I still don't see you in my dreams, but I hear other people do. I hope you are visiting Arabelle. She needs to know you're there. She misses you deeply and I think she struggled some this month. 

I love you forever. I miss you deeply.

Yours, 

​Courtney