Tomorrow will be six weeks without you. Six weeks. I never thought I'd live a moment without you, let alone six weeks. I have survived. We survived. It hasn't been easy. Some days are exceptionally hard and some days are okay and maybe we've even had a few good days. We aren't thriving yet, but we will one day.
I'm almost done sorting our life out. I'm ready for that part to be done. Perhaps, it'll give me some kind of closure. I feel like I've been living in limbo, needing to move forward, but fighting it. I've wanted to go back so desperately, but need to let that go...it's never going to happen. I'm so keenly aware of your absence though and often wonder why I'm doing life without you. It's cruel and unfair and hard. I still feel lost without you. I find myself looking over my shoulder frequently. I'm waiting for you, I'm looking for you, I'm hoping to find you. My soul is seeking some sort of sign that you're here.
I want to see you so desperately I've been dreaming about you. I keep dreaming we're back in the hospital and you're getting better, not slipping away. Is that my subconscious giving me what I want? It leaves me confused and restless. I haven't been sleeping that well at night. I've been sick and sometimes I'm anxious. I suppose that's normal.
It's almost the New Year. I remember a couple years ago you were really disappointed we weren't spending New Year's Eve together. We'd celebrated every New Year together since 2004. You had to travel to a bowl game and it didn't make sense to drag Arabelle down to FL or put the dogs in the kennel again. I stayed home. Claire came over with Chance. I think I was pregnant with Emery and Claire had recently discovered she was pregnant with Piper. Two pregnant chicks, what fun! You ended up having a really good time in FL. We missed each other, but we had an entire year to celebrate together. Claire is coming over again tomorrow and it'll be us and the babies. I can hardly imagine facing a New Year without you. I don't understand how life can exist without you. I know I'll see you again one day. Until then, I'll miss you every moment of every day.
Arabelle is celebrating the New Year at the beach with Nanny, Papa, and Chance. They left today. She was really excited. She jumped right out of bed and proceeded to ask me all morning why they were taking so long. That's her new thing, everything "takes forever." Once they finally got here, she practically ran out the door. I'm really happy she could go with them, but I miss her so much already.
Oh, you know what Arabelle said the other day? We were at the grocery store and out of the blue she said, "I want to hug you mommy, because daddy loved you so much. Now he lives in your heart." Melt my heart. I nearly cried. Her and Emery seem to know when I need a little extra love. They always seem to pick the right moments for hugs and kisses or sweet reminders of you.
Since Arabelle went to the beach today, I got to spend some one on one time with Em tonight. We colored on the couch! Oh yea, she got some magical markers that only color on special paper so we can color anywhere now. She did try to eat the markers and she still bites the tops of crayons. Ugh. We ate dinner, snuggled on the couch, and recorded a video for Arabelle. She says, "I love you, Arabelle" now. It's really sweet. We're still working on the teeth brushing thing. Gosh, I wish I knew how you brushed her teeth. She does not cooperate with me at all. She tells me, "stop it" and "no." What a booger!
Happy almost New Year, baby.
I love you. I miss you every day. I wish you were here.