Dear Jay,

Tomorrow will be six weeks without you. Six weeks. I never thought I'd live a moment without you, let alone six weeks. I have survived. We survived. It hasn't been easy. Some days are exceptionally hard and some days are okay and maybe we've even had a few good days. We aren't thriving yet, but we will one day.

I'm almost done sorting our life out. I'm ready for that part to be done. Perhaps, it'll give me some kind of closure. I feel like I've been living in limbo, needing to move forward, but fighting it. I've wanted to go back so desperately, but need to let that go...it's never going to happen. I'm so keenly aware of your absence though and often wonder why I'm doing life without you. It's cruel and unfair and hard. I still feel lost without you. I find myself looking over my shoulder frequently. I'm waiting for you, I'm looking for you, I'm hoping to find you. My soul is seeking some sort of sign that you're here.

I want to see you so desperately I've been dreaming about you. I keep dreaming we're back in the hospital and you're getting better, not slipping away. Is that my subconscious giving me what I want? It leaves me confused and restless. I haven't been sleeping that well at night. I've been sick and sometimes I'm anxious. I suppose that's normal.

It's almost the New Year. I remember a couple years ago you were really disappointed we weren't spending New Year's Eve together. We'd celebrated every New Year together since 2004. You had to travel to a bowl game and it didn't make sense to drag Arabelle down to FL or put the dogs in the kennel again. I stayed home. Claire came over with Chance. I think I was pregnant with Emery and Claire had recently discovered she was pregnant with Piper. Two pregnant chicks, what fun! You ended up having a really good time in FL. We missed each other, but we had an entire year to celebrate together. Claire is coming over again tomorrow and it'll be us and the babies. I can hardly imagine facing a New Year without you. I don't understand how life can exist without you. I know I'll see you again one day. Until then, I'll miss you every moment of every day.

Arabelle is celebrating the New Year at the beach with Nanny, Papa, and Chance. They left today. She was really excited. She jumped right out of bed and proceeded to ask me all morning why they were taking so long. That's her new thing, everything "takes forever." Once they finally got here, she practically ran out the door. I'm really happy she could go with them, but I miss her so much already.

Oh, you know what Arabelle said the other day? We were at the grocery store and out of the blue she said, "I want to hug you mommy, because daddy loved you so much. Now he lives in your heart." Melt my heart. I nearly cried. Her and Emery seem to know when I need a little extra love. They always seem to pick the right moments for hugs and kisses or sweet reminders of you.

Since Arabelle went to the beach today, I got to spend some one on one time with Em tonight.  We colored on the couch! Oh yea, she got some magical markers that only color on special paper so we can color anywhere now. She did try to eat the markers and she still bites the tops of crayons. Ugh. We ate dinner, snuggled on the couch, and recorded a video for Arabelle.  She says, "I love you, Arabelle" now. It's really sweet. We're still working on the teeth brushing thing. Gosh, I wish I knew how you brushed her teeth. She does not cooperate with me at all.  She tells me, "stop it" and "no." What a booger!

Happy almost New Year, baby.

I love you. I miss you every day.  I wish you were here.

Yours,

Courtney

Dear Jay,

We made it to The Dash and spent several days with your family. Arabelle got so excited when we pulled into Alice's neighborhood, she started squealing with delight.  She was really happy there with your family.  I think Emery was, too, but she was also rather clingy and didn't sleep very well.  It was a bit exhausting. Despite that, the trip was really good for all of us. We spent an evening with the Grants as well.  In some ways, I felt very much like you were there despite the enormous void we feel in your absence. For the first time since this nightmare started, I felt truly at peace. My heart didn't feel broken, my mind wasn't overly anxious, and my soul didn't feel crushed. Being with your family and friends was so good for me, for the girls. It didn't make me miss you any less and I know there are still rough days ahead, but for a few days I felt "okay."

I know you always worried about me, especially when I was taking the girls out. You always worried about our safety and if I was doing too much. Everything feels like "too much" right now, but it's our life and we have to adapt. We made it safely up to NC and back. I was selective in choosing locations to stop and minimized stops at that. I also let several people know exactly where I was and when we got back on the road. I thought of you and how you worried and how you probably wouldn't like me traveling alone with the girls. Unfortunately, that's our only option. Don't worry, Jay, I know my limits and I'll ask for help when I need it. We'll manage, it won't be easy, but we'll figure it out.

The girls had a great Christmas. They were happy, which made me happy. I found much peace and comfort spending time with loved ones. I survived Christmas. I wasn't sure how it was going to be, but I survived and even enjoyed myself. You are so greatly missed. So many memories flooded my mind the last few days, so much happiness, so much life, so much love, and so much loss. It's still so confusing and so hard.

I love you. I miss you so much. I wish you were here.

Yours,

Courtney

Dear Jay,

I went to your grave today. I put a poinsettia there for you. I'm sorry I didn't bring Christmas lights and Darth Vader. I know you're disappointed. ;-) I did joke about placing a Star Wars toy, a wrestling action figure, a Blue Jays flag, and some other items there though. It could be the most interesting grave in the whole place, or the junkiest? The thought made me laugh. You do have a LOT of stuff. There's plenty of items to choose from around here!

It's easy to be sad without you. Actually, it's my normal right now. I thought tonight I could focus on happy memories rather than my grief. So here are a few things that popped into my head in the last few days that made me smile...

• Shortly after we met I inquired about the type of car you drove. I'm pretty sure you thought I was shallow. You seemed genuine, but I was trying to figure out if you were what you seemed. I thought perhaps you were really a meat head in a Jeep, a pretty boy in a sports car, or a redneck in a truck. Stereotypes, yes. Rude, sure. At the time, that was my perception of college boys. Of course, you weren't in college when we met that's why I called you my "man friend." I was relieved to learn you drove an Isuzu Rodeo. Somehow it put you in my "must be a normal guy" category. In the end, material things were unimportant because I fell in love with you. It turns out you were the best person I've ever known.

• The first time you told me you loved me. It was in 2005. I thought you were drunk. I wasn't sure you meant what you said. I thought I heard you wrong, maybe I was dreaming, maybe anything...surely Jay Lowe didn't just say he loved me. But you did. You love me. You made me feel loved every single day and treasured every moment we had together. You continue to fill my heart with love.

• The road trip from Winston-Salem to Atlanta for the Sugar Bowl in January 2006. We were beginning to see and plan our future together. We talked about getting married, having children one day, about my move to Nashville, and many other things. I remember that road trip as the start of our life together. It was the first time "we" made plans. It was one of the best road trips I've ever taken with you.

Happy memories. Our life together was beautiful and perfect and full of love.

I love you. I miss you. I wish you were here.

Yours,

Courtney

Dear Jay,

You were heavy on my mind today. I miss you. I'm sad without you. I'm trying to understand why you're gone. How can you just disappear from our life? How can life even exist without you? Why am I here trying to sort our life out, pick up the pieces, raise our children alone? It doesn't make sense. It can't be real. I want to go back in time. I want to meet you all over again. I want to fall in love with you all over again. I want to experience our life again. I want to hug your tighter, kiss you longer, and hold your hand forever. I just knew we'd grow old together. There was nothing we couldn't handle together. We could have survived anything together. How can I be left to handle life without you? What the hell happened? How can this have happened? I don't understand. Why did our life turn out like this?

I replay the days leading up to your passing in my head a lot. Did I miss something? Why didn't I see this coming? Why couldn't it have been stopped? I'll never understand. I try not to beat myself up about it. I know you don't want me to, but you just slipped away and I feel like I failed. I failed our children. I failed our family. I failed our friends. I failed you. I am not enough, Jay. You were wrong. I am not that strong. I don't know how to do this without you.

I'm sad for me, but I may be more sad for our children. Little girls shouldn't grow up without their daddy. It's the worst thing I can imagine and yet we are living that. I'm not enough for them. Arabelle was your sidekick, she was always a daddy's girl, she needs you. How will I ever be enough for her? She'll have plenty of father figures, but she'll never have you. I think that hurts my heart the most. It makes me so angry. It's so unfair.

I wrapped some presents today and it was painful. How can it be that I'm doing such things without you? I'm taking the girls to the Dash in a few days...without you. How can that be? It just doesn't make sense. I wish so desperately it wasn't true. I want to go back. I don't want to move forward. I want to wake up to our life. I don't want to wake up to this other, foreign life. I don't have regrets, but I need more time with you. We had plans. We were going to buy a house in the mountains on a lake one day. We were going to grow old together. We were going to put our children through college. We were going to take a great trip for our 10 year anniversary. We were going to bring another child into this world. We were going to have more family time this spring. We were happy.

I want to do those things with you. Why did you leave? I know you weren't ready. I know you didn't want to go. I don't want to look at our life in pictures. I don't want to cling desperately to my memories. I want you. I want our life back.

Four weeks tomorrow. Four long, painful weeks. There are many more to come. It gets harder and harder every day.

I hope you are well. I hope you are looking out for us. I hope to see you again in my dreams.

I love you. I miss you more than you'll ever know. I wish you were here all day every day.

Yours,

Courtney

Dear Jay,

I couldn't work today. I went to work. I got there on time. I sat in my car for 15 minutes. I couldn't get out of my car. I was a mess. I went home to be alone. I needed some time alone. I needed to let the pain wash through me. It started last night. Well, it started November 17...but the crying, the unstoppable crying started last night. The girls and I Facetimed with your parents. The realization that I would be doing that without you hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm taking the girls to Winston on Saturday like we always did for Christmas...without you. The gravity of that reality hit me hard, too. I managed to get the girls to bed and then I just lost it.

I wrote to you last night. I was angry. I wanted to feel better. I didn't, but the tears stopped flowing.  This morning after I dropped the girls off at school the tears came back in full force. I fell apart. I drove to work. I thought it would stop, but I couldn't get out of my car. I couldn't pull myself together. I couldn't do anything. I went home.

I read through all your blog postings from May 2004 to July 2007, the beginning of our life together. I looked through pictures of our life. Our story, our life it was beautiful. Why did it end? I wonder did everything lead to this, was this always going to happen, or was this just an awful thing that randomly happened? Why you? I don't wish this on someone else, but why you? Living without you seems impossible. My heart is so sad, so broken. My soul is crushed.

I'm tired of putting up an "I'm okay" face. I'm not okay. No one asked me to do it, but I feel like I have to. I have to act like I'm surviving. I have to act like I'm okay. I'm tired. It's exhausting. Going through the motions of life is physically exhausting, mentally draining, and emotionally depressing. You're not here. I don't want to go through life without you.

I want to hold your hand so desperately. How many times did I hold your hand to give my strength or confidence to approach a challenging situation? How many times did I hold your hand for reassurance because I was scared? How many times did I hold your hand because you were mine and I was yours, because I love you so deeply? I just want to hold your hand.

Why did you leave? Why did you get sick? What happened? I don't understand. Will I ever understand? Our life shouldn't have come to this. I want to stop crying. I want this pain to go away.

I love you forever. I miss you every day. I wish you were here more than you'll ever know.

Yours,

Courtney

Dear Jay,

I miss you. Do you know what it feels like to miss someone so deeply it's painful? There's such a hole in my heart, a void in my life, a pain I can't bear. Your absence is felt every minute of every day. It's unbearable. It's unfair. It's awful. Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe, the grief is so much I think it might crush me. We didn't get to do enough. I needed more time with you.

I'm so mad you're not here. Sometimes I want to punch something or scream until I'm too worn out to be angry anymore. I am angry. I am pissed. You were too young to die. Why couldn't they save you? Why didn't God heal you on earth? Why you? Why us? Why anyone? WHY? You had no right to get sick and leave. Do you hear me? NO RIGHT. This was NOT the plan. I'm so tired of people telling me God has a perfect plan. That is total bullshit. There is no plan in taking a father from his young daughters and pregnant wife. That's evil and cruel, there's nothing perfect or planned about it. I hope he has plan to help us put our life back together. Right now, life is hard and I can't see the path to "okay."

What am I supposed to tell Emery about her daddy? What I am supposed to tell Baby #3? How am I supposed to comfort Arabelle when she calls for daddy on the weekends and you're not here. Sorry kids, your dad got sick and passed away suddenly and I don't know why. Great. Just great. Kids need dads. We talked about that so much and yet you left three behind. Damn you, Jay. Damn you. I can't do our life alone. Despite what you think, I am not that strong. I am just me, you were my life force. You were more alive than I ever was...why did you leave?

I am broken. I am not me without you. I am lonely. I surround myself with friends and family constantly, but I am still alone. You are gone. My perfect partner, my husband, my best friend, my greatest fan, the most significant piece of my life for the last 11 years is gone. Wiped away, disappeared, vanished in moments right before my eyes. Do you know how awful that was? Our life seemed so perfect and days later it was turned upside down. Why did this happen? I wish our story lasted longer, so much longer. It wasn't enough. It was way too short.

I love you. I miss you. I wish you were here every moment of every day.

Yours,

Courtney

Dear Jay,

I put our baby news out into the world today and by "world" I mean our Facebook group. There was no creative announcement. I know you would have come up with something clever.  I didn't have any clever words, just simple thoughts.

You were with me today.  Edwin McCain's song, I'll Be, came on while I was getting blood drawn. I was watching the blood flow out of my arm. I was thinking about how difficult it was for the doctors and nurses to get blood samples from you and yet you were bleeding internally. That song. It came on and I sat there hanging on every word. You were speaking to me. You were there. You were telling me you'd be my crying shoulder, the biggest fan of my life. It was you. I felt great joy in the midst of great sorrow. I've been wondering where you were. You are here. I love you more than I could ever tell you. More than I did ever tell you.

You know I've had many mixed emotions about the baby. I've been scared, overwhelmed, and fearful of what's to come. I was so relieved and joyful to learn the baby was measuring right where it should be, I started crying. I could see light where there was darkness. I could see hope through my despair. I could see a future where I wasn't sure one existed. I could see the blessing you've left us. You knew what was hidden in my heart under the pain, you knew we needed this baby, you knew it would help mend our broken hearts. You were right. I could see that today. I felt happy. Happy in way I haven't felt in awhile. Thank you for letting me know you were there.

My instincts and heart tell me the baby is a boy. Only time will tell. Regardless, the baby is so loved already.

I love you. I miss you. I wish you were here.

Yours,

Courtney

Dear Jay, 

We've gotten through three work/school mornings without you. We've been on time.  Everything has gone smoothly for the most part. I'm tired though. So tired. There's so many things to take care of in your absence. I'd like to sleep for a day to give my mind and body a break. There's no time for that. 

I've been treating myself to hot chocolate or a cappuccino from RaceTrac the last few mornings.  I can't seem to drink coffee lately. Actually, I find it repulsive right now. I ran into a former student and he bought my drink this morning. I don't think he knows we lost you, he was just being nice. Such a small gesture, but it really stuck with me this morning. I think life is truly about the small things; the simple gestures that let people know you care. You were good at the small things. You were good at the big things, the boring things, the hard things. You were good at life. I miss you. 

I don't feel like I've been super-productive at work. My mind is foggy, my body is tired, my thoughts are elsewhere. You are always on my mind. Always. When the girls aren't around, I'm keenly aware your absence, of the void you've left behind. I can see our life, all of it. I wonder if all of it led to this. Was this always going to happen? Was this just an awful thing that randomly happened? Did you know this was coming? Did you sense it in the hospital? I told you everything would be okay. I was wrong. 

I want to hold your hand. I want to walk alongside you. I want to laugh with you. I want to do life with you. I want to hug you. I want more. It wasn't enough, Jay. I'm afraid I'll forgot how it felt to hold your hand, to hug you, to kiss you. Please don't let me forget.    

I love you. I miss you. I wish you were here. 

Yours, 

Courtney 

Dear Jay, 

I went back to work yesterday.  I hardly slept Sunday night.  I was anxious.  My mind wouldn't slow down Sunday night.  I think it's a defense mechanism.  When it slows, I fall apart.  It's so painful and I don't know when it'll stop.  I fight it.  I don't want to let it happen.  I know I have to, it'll catch up with me and take me down if I keep fighting it.  

Yesterday morning went well.  I was nervous we were running late.  Arabelle moves slow just like me. She changes her mind about clothes. Ahhh! She is definitely my child. I was gently rushing her along. I must be more patient. When we got downstairs, it was only 6:57.  We were good. You hated to be late anywhere. I'm always a few minutes late.  As much as I'm a planner, I don't manage my time well. We've been on time or early everywhere lately. I'm working really hard to be on time, to instill the value of punctuality in the girls.  Practice what you preach, right?  I want you to be proud of them, of us, of me. 

I survived work. I did not cry. Not really anyways. One small victory. Well, I may have gotten a little teary when I spoke to my principal about our life situation right now.  I'm extremely fortunate to work with such kind and compassionate people.  They are more concerned I take care of myself and the girls than anything right now. So work was okay.  I survived the first day and some of the sad eyes. Oh the eyes, do you know what I'm talking about?  I know they come from a good place. I'm not mad about them. I just don't like them. They probably reflect what I feel, perhaps that's why I don't like them.  I don't want to see it. I don't it to be true.  It wasn't an easy day, but I was able to smile and enjoy seeing some of my colleagues yesterday.  

I cried on the way to work though. I don't want the girls to face life without their daddy. I was sad for them. I was sad for me. A song came on the radio and one of the lines was "I'm going to love you like I'm going to lose you." I did lose you, it hit me right in the heart. Stupid radio. Stupid song. I turned on XM radio, thought I'd listen to something crude or funny like Howard Stern. The thought made me smile. You would laugh at me listening to Howard Stern to ease my mind. I settled on 80's music instead. Side note, XM radio doesn't impress me.  It's free for 90 days, but I wouldn't pay for that junk. Also, as much as I love you and miss you, I have not started listening to NPR.  I have to draw the line somewhere. 

Emery has been giving me hugs and real kisses with the smoochy sound!  She did follow one kiss with a subtle bite. She put her teeth on my face as if to remind me things could go either way. She screams, "Mommy," and runs to me in the afternoon.  It's so good for the heart.  Her love of Arabelle is something else.  She constantly wants to be Arabelle's side kick, wants to hug on her, needs to sit right next to her, wants to know where she is, wants to play with her, laughs at her, points to Arabelle and says, "there's Arabelle."  My love for the girls helps me balance the heartbreak of losing you. They are the best part of you. My little Jays.  :-) 

Yesterday, Arabelle learned to hula hoop.  As soon as we got out the door of PreK, she showed me how to hula hoop.  She threw her hips around with a big smile on her face.  It was awesome and funny and reminded of her "boots dance" and the way you laughed.  She misses you.  She's hurting because you're not here.  She doesn't say it, but I know.  I see a lot of me in her, but so much of you, too.  She's got a beautiful, kind, and fragile soul...please don't let me break her.  

Where are you at night? Why don't you visit me? I've only had two dreams about you. I know you're okay. You told me, but I want more.

I love you.  I miss you.  I wish you were here.  

Yours, 

​Courtney 

Dear Jay, 

A bunch of Christmas elves came to the house and helped us decorate today.  I couldn't do it.  I probably wouldn't have done it this year.  We have really good friends and they saved Christmas. Arabelle and Emery deserve it.  

Arabelle and I hooked up your door chime this morning.  I think it was your favorite part of Christmas, because it reminded you of Christmas at your Granny's house.  It made me sad.  I cried for a moment.  Yep, only a moment...Arabelle was excited about something so we took off across the house.  Before we ran off, she proclaimed it her favorite part of Christmas as well.  

I can't believe life can exist and move forward without you.  I don't want it to be true.  Some days I don't want any part of it.  Today, though, I felt strong, I felt like we could make it.  I felt like we would make it.  Today was made happy and joyful thanks to our good friends.  

We got a Christmas tree.  I couldn't bring myself to pick one out, but Doug and Lindsey brought a frasier fir over.  It seemed appropriate since that was the first tree we cut down together in Ohio. Did we have a tree in Nashville? I can't remember. Anyhow, it's perfect.  It's not enormous and towering over the entire room like you prefer, but it's the perfect size for us now. We gave it a new location in the foyer by the stairs.  There are some things I need a little different to help me cope. There are many things we will keep the same for you, but as you know our life has to change in your absence. I put your Star Wars ornaments front and center.  I couldn't find some of them.  I think Arabelle broke C3PO last year.  I remember you pulled them aside to fix them.  Where did you put them?  

I put up our first Christmas ornament from 2007.  We only had eight Christmases together.  I feel robbed.  It wasn't enough.  I didn't know last Christmas was going to be our last.  I didn't know a lot of things.  Life is unfair sometimes. 

We did not decorate the rest of the house.  We have a tree and you decorated the mantle.  That was something and it's good for now.  The outside of the house is decorated!  Doug, Mike, and Colby hung lights and garland.  We put your homemade colorful trees on the porch, too.  It looks beautiful. You would be proud.  Arabelle was so happy. You should have seen her face.  It was priceless.  

Jake the Elf has been causing a slight amount of mischief around here.  He's so sneaky!  It makes Arabelle super happy.  

I'm trying, Jay.  I'm trying to keep our life in tact.  It's just so damn hard without you.  Sometimes it still doesn't feel real. Sometimes it feels like you're away on a work trip or working an event. Sometimes my mind lets me forget...only for a moment.  It's a fleeting moment of peace.  Then reality comes crashing back.  You passed away.  You passed away.  My husband is gone.  Sometimes I have to play that in my head a couple times, because I don't believe it.  My mind doesn't want to believe it.  My heart feels it, but my mind teeters between really scared and grief stricken and misleading me into a false sense of peace.  It's a roller coaster of emotions that is physically exhausting.  I know it means I'm alive that I feel all the things, but I could do without most of these feelings.  I just need you.  "Free your mind let your heart sing."  I can hear you telling me that...

I love you.  I miss you so much it hurts.  I wish you were here.  

Yours, 

Courtney