I knew it would come one day. I didn't expect it tonight though. Why didn't she get to tell you goodbye when you went to the doctor? Did I get to tell you goodbye? So much she doesn't say, so much she keeps to herself. She's just like me, but she's only 5. Too much weight for someone so young. Missing you is hard enough, not having an opportunity to tell you goodbye adds another layer of complexity to this tragedy. It's just one more thing for her to cope with, one more thing for her to deal with, one more thing for her to wonder about, one more thing for her mull over in her mind, one more thing. It's not fair. It's stupid. I hate it. I wish I could protect her from it. I wish I could absorb her sadness, put her childhood back together the way it should be, protect her from being "different" in this way, hold her tight and tell her it was just a bad dream. I can't. I can't protect her from the ugly parts of life. I so desperately want to.
We miss you. She misses you more than she says, more than she lets on. Please look out for her. Please visit her when she dreams. She needs you. I can't be you. I can hold her tight and hope my love is enough, but I can't fill your shoes. I can't be you. I am only me.
You're always in my heart, always on my mind. I love you.