Dear Jay, 

I knew it would come one day. I didn't expect it tonight though. Why didn't she get to tell you goodbye when you went to the doctor? Did I get to tell you goodbye? So much she doesn't say, so much she keeps to herself. She's just like me, but she's only 5. Too much weight for someone so young. Missing you is hard enough, not having an opportunity to tell you goodbye adds another layer of complexity to this tragedy. It's just one more thing for her to cope with, one more thing for her to deal with, one more thing for her to wonder about, one more thing for her mull over in her mind, one more thing. It's not fair. It's stupid. I hate it. I wish I could protect her from it. I wish I could absorb her sadness, put her childhood back together the way it should be, protect her from being "different" in this way, hold her tight and tell her it was just a bad dream. I can't. I can't protect her from the ugly parts of life. I so desperately want to. 

We miss you. She misses you more than she says, more than she lets on. Please look out for her. Please visit her when she dreams. She needs you. I can't be you. I can hold her tight and hope my love is enough, but I can't fill your shoes. I can't be you. I am only me. 

You're always in my heart, always on my mind. I love you.

Yours, 

​Courtney  

Dear Jay,

These lyrics speak to me. I get them. I mean really, truly get them. They make me think about the past 11 months. We've come a long way, and yet we have a long way to go. The days seem to drag at times, but the year is flying by. We're approaching the 11 month mark. Ugh, it feels like forever and a minute all at the same time. How can that be? November lurking ahead feels heavy and scary. I don't know how I'll feel. I don't know what to expect. Will it be as bad as last year? Will it feel worse in some ways? I don't know. I don't want to know, but it is coming...

I am anxious. I am sad. I am thankful I am here with the girls. I am mad you're missing out. I feel guilty. I still wonder what happened. I want to scream at someone to tell me why! Could it have been prevented? Did I miss something, did we miss something? Why you? Why then? Why us? Why? I am angry that we were blissfully doing life one minute and the next it was ripped away from us. Everything changed without warning. I miss you. Can you understand the weight your absence has left? How much I miss you? What I wouldn't give to have you back? To have our life back? To have our story turn out differently? To spare our children of this pain and grief? It should have been different. 

I think of you all the time. You're always on my mind. I'm always aware of your absence. Even happy moments are somewhat bittersweet, because you are missing. 

I love you. You are always in my heart. 

Yours, 

Courtney