It's been six months. I don't know where the time has gone; life has moved so fast. Arabelle finished pre-k yesterday day. In place of a pre-k graduation, her school did a spring musical. She was great. She danced and sang and smiled. You would have been so proud. I cried because you weren't there, because my heart smiled at her beautiful spirit, because I was so proud of her, because I was sad for her that you are gone, because there's so many of life's "firsts"' that we'll have to do without you.
Your 39th birthday is in five days. It'll also be six months since your memorial service. Baby #3 will be here in less than six weeks and our nine year anniversary is in six weeks. I have many different feelings about all of this; many feelings I want to go away. I just keep thinking about what you would tell Arabelle when she was upset, "take a deep breath, it'll be okay."
I know it'll be okay, a different kind of okay, but okay nonetheless. Sometimes, most of the time, this isn't the version of "okay" I want. I want a life with you in it. I want a life with my husband in it. I want a life where we raise our daughters together. I want a life where our daughters have their daddy. I want a life where I don't have to tell a two year old where her daddy is. I want a life where I'm bringing our 3rd child into the world with you. I want life that's full of experiences and not just memories of you. I want our old life back. I actively focus on accepting life as it is now, because I think that's emotionally and mentally healthier, and I think you want us to thrive. But my heart is still broken. I still miss you every day. I still think of you every day. I still wonder why you're no longer here with us. I still can't process the reality of it all. I still don't understand...I never will.
I miss you like I've never missed anyone. I love you forever.