jaylowe.com
  • jaylowe.com
  • the lowe down
  • resume
  • argus
    • argus history
    • argus songs
    • brian
    • erich
    • greg
    • donovan
    • michael
    • jay
  • photos
  • links

All the Feelings

5/28/2016

1 Comment

 

Dear Jay, 

​I'm short on words lately, but full of feelings I want to go away. You know what I think about feelings. They're gross and should be avoided. If only it were that easy. There's still so many feelings...grief, sadness, anger, confusion, loneliness, despair, so many stupid feelings. I say it all the time, but I still can't wrap my brain around your sudden passing, and yet I live with it every day. I still can't comprehend how you could be healthy one day and so sick the next. It just doesn't make sense. Maybe that's why I still can't process it. I know it happened. I was there. For all of it. I don't think of those days much; they're too painful, but I was there with you. 

I couldn't write to you on your birthday. I just shutdown emotionally instead. Must be my brain's way of coping. We did celebrate your birthday with "chicken, rice, & cheese" and chocolate cupcakes though. Arabelle was concerned about who would blow out your candle. We each lit one in your memory. Your birthday marked 12 years since we had met. I never imagined there wouldn't be many more years together. Yesterday was May 27...you proposed to me 10 years ago. Again, I never imagined there wouldn't be many more years together. Last month was tough, this month was tough, I suppose that's how grief works. 

The first song we danced to as husband and wife at our wedding was in a movie I watched this evening...I fell apart. I can't listen to any music you played regularly. No Jackopierce, no Vertical Horizon, no Edwin McCain. I become an emotional wreck. I'm not at the point where it's cathartic, I'm at the point where I get upset before I even realize why I'm upset. I hope that will change one day. 

Sometimes I feel lost without you. I don't know what to do with myself after the girls go to bed. I am still me, sort of. Or maybe I'm trying to find my way back to me? I don't know yet. Either way, finding me without you is hard. I want to keep my mind occupied and busy all the time. My idle mind is a sad mind, it focuses too much on you and how much I miss you. Thoughts of you are always prevalent in my mind, but I can manage and cope with those thoughts (and feelings) better when my mind isn't idle. At some point, I should be comfortable being alone, right? I shouldn't feel lost or anxious about those moments alone. That will come back, right?  

Baby girl will be here next month. I'm actively avoiding feelings associated with bringing our daughter into the world without you. I'm hoping that June's delivery of a new life brings new joy, happiness, and hope. 

I miss you. I'll always miss you. I'll always feel you were taken to soon. There's such an emptiness in the spot you once occupied. To me, you were so much larger than life. I don't believe this hole, this emptiness without you will ever go away. I guess you just learn to carry it over time.

I love you always. 

Yours, 

Courtney  
1 Comment
Vance Sims
10/2/2016 04:29:30 pm

Lots of emotions, so much pain - but so many great memories and three faces to remind you of the man of your dreams.

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    the lowe down

    The life and times of Jay Lowe, a 30-something university employee, music lover, husband, sports enthusiast and most importantly, dad.

    current enjoyments

    Picture
    Jackopiece - Live 25
    Picture
    Aftermath: Star Wars: Journey to Star Wars: The Force Awakens

    email

    email suggestions to jay@jaylowe.com

    RSS Feed

    archives

    September 2017
    October 2016
    September 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    February 2014
    October 2013
    September 2013
    July 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    October 2011
    September 2011
    August 2011
    April 2011
    March 2011
    February 2011
    January 2011
    December 2010
    November 2010
    October 2010
    September 2010
    August 2010
    July 2010
    May 2010
    April 2010
    March 2010
    February 2010
    January 2010
    December 2009
    November 2009
    October 2009
    September 2009
    August 2009
    November 2008
    September 2008
    July 2008
    May 2008
    April 2008
    December 2007
    October 2007
    September 2007
    July 2007
    June 2007
    April 2007
    January 2007
    December 2006
    November 2006
    October 2006
    August 2006
    June 2006
    May 2006
    April 2006
    March 2006
    February 2006
    January 2006
    November 2005
    October 2005
    September 2005
    August 2005
    July 2005
    June 2005
    May 2005
    April 2005
    March 2005
    February 2005
    January 2005
    December 2004
    November 2004
    October 2004
    September 2004
    August 2004
    July 2004
    June 2004
    May 2004
    April 2004
    March 2004
    February 2004
    January 2004
    December 2003
    November 2003
    October 2003
    September 2003
    August 2003
    July 2003
    June 2003
    May 2003
    April 2003
    March 2003
    February 2003
    January 2003
    December 2002
    November 2002
    October 2002
    September 2002
    August 2002
    July 2002
    June 2002
    May 2002
    April 2002
    March 2002
    February 2002
    January 2002

Proudly powered by Weebly