Dear Jay,
I'm short on words lately, but full of feelings I want to go away. You know what I think about feelings. They're gross and should be avoided. If only it were that easy. There's still so many feelings...grief, sadness, anger, confusion, loneliness, despair, so many stupid feelings. I say it all the time, but I still can't wrap my brain around your sudden passing, and yet I live with it every day. I still can't comprehend how you could be healthy one day and so sick the next. It just doesn't make sense. Maybe that's why I still can't process it. I know it happened. I was there. For all of it. I don't think of those days much; they're too painful, but I was there with you.
I couldn't write to you on your birthday. I just shutdown emotionally instead. Must be my brain's way of coping. We did celebrate your birthday with "chicken, rice, & cheese" and chocolate cupcakes though. Arabelle was concerned about who would blow out your candle. We each lit one in your memory. Your birthday marked 12 years since we had met. I never imagined there wouldn't be many more years together. Yesterday was May 27...you proposed to me 10 years ago. Again, I never imagined there wouldn't be many more years together. Last month was tough, this month was tough, I suppose that's how grief works.
The first song we danced to as husband and wife at our wedding was in a movie I watched this evening...I fell apart. I can't listen to any music you played regularly. No Jackopierce, no Vertical Horizon, no Edwin McCain. I become an emotional wreck. I'm not at the point where it's cathartic, I'm at the point where I get upset before I even realize why I'm upset. I hope that will change one day.
Sometimes I feel lost without you. I don't know what to do with myself after the girls go to bed. I am still me, sort of. Or maybe I'm trying to find my way back to me? I don't know yet. Either way, finding me without you is hard. I want to keep my mind occupied and busy all the time. My idle mind is a sad mind, it focuses too much on you and how much I miss you. Thoughts of you are always prevalent in my mind, but I can manage and cope with those thoughts (and feelings) better when my mind isn't idle. At some point, I should be comfortable being alone, right? I shouldn't feel lost or anxious about those moments alone. That will come back, right?
Baby girl will be here next month. I'm actively avoiding feelings associated with bringing our daughter into the world without you. I'm hoping that June's delivery of a new life brings new joy, happiness, and hope.
I miss you. I'll always miss you. I'll always feel you were taken to soon. There's such an emptiness in the spot you once occupied. To me, you were so much larger than life. I don't believe this hole, this emptiness without you will ever go away. I guess you just learn to carry it over time.
I love you always.
Yours,
Courtney
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