I went back to work yesterday. I hardly slept Sunday night. I was anxious. My mind wouldn't slow down Sunday night. I think it's a defense mechanism. When it slows, I fall apart. It's so painful and I don't know when it'll stop. I fight it. I don't want to let it happen. I know I have to, it'll catch up with me and take me down if I keep fighting it.
Yesterday morning went well. I was nervous we were running late. Arabelle moves slow just like me. She changes her mind about clothes. Ahhh! She is definitely my child. I was gently rushing her along. I must be more patient. When we got downstairs, it was only 6:57. We were good. You hated to be late anywhere. I'm always a few minutes late. As much as I'm a planner, I don't manage my time well. We've been on time or early everywhere lately. I'm working really hard to be on time, to instill the value of punctuality in the girls. Practice what you preach, right? I want you to be proud of them, of us, of me.
I survived work. I did not cry. Not really anyways. One small victory. Well, I may have gotten a little teary when I spoke to my principal about our life situation right now. I'm extremely fortunate to work with such kind and compassionate people. They are more concerned I take care of myself and the girls than anything right now. So work was okay. I survived the first day and some of the sad eyes. Oh the eyes, do you know what I'm talking about? I know they come from a good place. I'm not mad about them. I just don't like them. They probably reflect what I feel, perhaps that's why I don't like them. I don't want to see it. I don't it to be true. It wasn't an easy day, but I was able to smile and enjoy seeing some of my colleagues yesterday.
I cried on the way to work though. I don't want the girls to face life without their daddy. I was sad for them. I was sad for me. A song came on the radio and one of the lines was "I'm going to love you like I'm going to lose you." I did lose you, it hit me right in the heart. Stupid radio. Stupid song. I turned on XM radio, thought I'd listen to something crude or funny like Howard Stern. The thought made me smile. You would laugh at me listening to Howard Stern to ease my mind. I settled on 80's music instead. Side note, XM radio doesn't impress me. It's free for 90 days, but I wouldn't pay for that junk. Also, as much as I love you and miss you, I have not started listening to NPR. I have to draw the line somewhere.
Emery has been giving me hugs and real kisses with the smoochy sound! She did follow one kiss with a subtle bite. She put her teeth on my face as if to remind me things could go either way. She screams, "Mommy," and runs to me in the afternoon. It's so good for the heart. Her love of Arabelle is something else. She constantly wants to be Arabelle's side kick, wants to hug on her, needs to sit right next to her, wants to know where she is, wants to play with her, laughs at her, points to Arabelle and says, "there's Arabelle." My love for the girls helps me balance the heartbreak of losing you. They are the best part of you. My little Jays. :-)
Yesterday, Arabelle learned to hula hoop. As soon as we got out the door of PreK, she showed me how to hula hoop. She threw her hips around with a big smile on her face. It was awesome and funny and reminded of her "boots dance" and the way you laughed. She misses you. She's hurting because you're not here. She doesn't say it, but I know. I see a lot of me in her, but so much of you, too. She's got a beautiful, kind, and fragile soul...please don't let me break her.
Where are you at night? Why don't you visit me? I've only had two dreams about you. I know you're okay. You told me, but I want more.
I love you. I miss you. I wish you were here.