How has a week passed since I wrote you last? It seems time flies whether you're having fun or not. The one constant in life: time. It moves forward no matter what. I suppose that's good in some ways, challenging in other ways.
I think of you all the time. I speak of you frequently. I miss you every day. I am constantly aware of the empty spot you once occupied, of the void left behind, of this hole in my heart. I am aware of it first thing in the morning, while I'm getting the girls ready for school, in the car, at the dinner table, when I visit with our friends, when I think about the future and what should have been, at night when I go to bed...all. day. long.
Someone told me you never get over a loss like this, you just learn how to carry it. I understand that all too well now. I'll never get over losing you, I'll never get over the girls losing their daddy, I'll never feel our time with you was enough. I am learning to carry the weight of your loss. Some days I do it with courage, because there's no other option. Some days I just survive, because that's good enough. It is always tough and there will always be an emptiness without you, but I'm working hard to find the positive moments in each day. I know you are proud, because I know how much you believed in me. I think I'm doing okay given the rotten lemons life gave us.
There so many decisions to make, so many things to take care, so many situations I need help navigating. It's time consuming, overwhelming, and exhausting. I so desperately want to talk to you about these things. You've been my sounding board for the last 10 years. Being an adult is so hard sometimes. Maybe being alive is just hard sometimes? You were always so objective. It was irritating sometimes, but I valued your advice. You were usually right in the end. Yes, I said it...you were usually right. I remember whining one time that you were supposed to be on my side and the look on your face said otherwise. I still see that look. I hear you telling me not to infer tone from an email. I feel you challenging me to consider the issue from all sides. I feel you encouraging me to be assertive, to address issues rather than letting them stew. I know you're telling me I can do it, I will figure it all out, I don't have to know all the answers right now. Again, you're right.
Although I feel such a deep sense of loss without you, it is often apparent I gained so much more from you than I lost. You were a gift to me, to your family, to your friends, to so many people.
I love you endlessly and unconditionally. I miss you always.