A bunch of Christmas elves came to the house and helped us decorate today. I couldn't do it. I probably wouldn't have done it this year. We have really good friends and they saved Christmas. Arabelle and Emery deserve it.
Arabelle and I hooked up your door chime this morning. I think it was your favorite part of Christmas, because it reminded you of Christmas at your Granny's house. It made me sad. I cried for a moment. Yep, only a moment...Arabelle was excited about something so we took off across the house. Before we ran off, she proclaimed it her favorite part of Christmas as well.
I can't believe life can exist and move forward without you. I don't want it to be true. Some days I don't want any part of it. Today, though, I felt strong, I felt like we could make it. I felt like we would make it. Today was made happy and joyful thanks to our good friends.
We got a Christmas tree. I couldn't bring myself to pick one out, but Doug and Lindsey brought a frasier fir over. It seemed appropriate since that was the first tree we cut down together in Ohio. Did we have a tree in Nashville? I can't remember. Anyhow, it's perfect. It's not enormous and towering over the entire room like you prefer, but it's the perfect size for us now. We gave it a new location in the foyer by the stairs. There are some things I need a little different to help me cope. There are many things we will keep the same for you, but as you know our life has to change in your absence. I put your Star Wars ornaments front and center. I couldn't find some of them. I think Arabelle broke C3PO last year. I remember you pulled them aside to fix them. Where did you put them?
I put up our first Christmas ornament from 2007. We only had eight Christmases together. I feel robbed. It wasn't enough. I didn't know last Christmas was going to be our last. I didn't know a lot of things. Life is unfair sometimes.
We did not decorate the rest of the house. We have a tree and you decorated the mantle. That was something and it's good for now. The outside of the house is decorated! Doug, Mike, and Colby hung lights and garland. We put your homemade colorful trees on the porch, too. It looks beautiful. You would be proud. Arabelle was so happy. You should have seen her face. It was priceless.
Jake the Elf has been causing a slight amount of mischief around here. He's so sneaky! It makes Arabelle super happy.
I'm trying, Jay. I'm trying to keep our life in tact. It's just so damn hard without you. Sometimes it still doesn't feel real. Sometimes it feels like you're away on a work trip or working an event. Sometimes my mind lets me forget...only for a moment. It's a fleeting moment of peace. Then reality comes crashing back. You passed away. You passed away. My husband is gone. Sometimes I have to play that in my head a couple times, because I don't believe it. My mind doesn't want to believe it. My heart feels it, but my mind teeters between really scared and grief stricken and misleading me into a false sense of peace. It's a roller coaster of emotions that is physically exhausting. I know it means I'm alive that I feel all the things, but I could do without most of these feelings. I just need you. "Free your mind let your heart sing." I can hear you telling me that...
I love you. I miss you so much it hurts. I wish you were here.