Cinco

Dear Jay,

I put our baby news out into the world today and by "world" I mean our Facebook group. There was no creative announcement. I know you would have come up with something clever.  I didn't have any clever words, just simple thoughts.

You were with me today.  Edwin McCain's song, I'll Be, came on while I was getting blood drawn. I was watching the blood flow out of my arm. I was thinking about how difficult it was for the doctors and nurses to get blood samples from you and yet you were bleeding internally. That song. It came on and I sat there hanging on every word. You were speaking to me. You were there. You were telling me you'd be my crying shoulder, the biggest fan of my life. It was you. I felt great joy in the midst of great sorrow. I've been wondering where you were. You are here. I love you more than I could ever tell you. More than I did ever tell you.

You know I've had many mixed emotions about the baby. I've been scared, overwhelmed, and fearful of what's to come. I was so relieved and joyful to learn the baby was measuring right where it should be, I started crying. I could see light where there was darkness. I could see hope through my despair. I could see a future where I wasn't sure one existed. I could see the blessing you've left us. You knew what was hidden in my heart under the pain, you knew we needed this baby, you knew it would help mend our broken hearts. You were right. I could see that today. I felt happy. Happy in way I haven't felt in awhile. Thank you for letting me know you were there.

My instincts and heart tell me the baby is a boy. Only time will tell. Regardless, the baby is so loved already.

I love you. I miss you. I wish you were here.

Yours,

Courtney