You were heavy on my mind today. I miss you. I'm sad without you. I'm trying to understand why you're gone. How can you just disappear from our life? How can life even exist without you? Why am I here trying to sort our life out, pick up the pieces, raise our children alone? It doesn't make sense. It can't be real. I want to go back in time. I want to meet you all over again. I want to fall in love with you all over again. I want to experience our life again. I want to hug your tighter, kiss you longer, and hold your hand forever. I just knew we'd grow old together. There was nothing we couldn't handle together. We could have survived anything together. How can I be left to handle life without you? What the hell happened? How can this have happened? I don't understand. Why did our life turn out like this?
I replay the days leading up to your passing in my head a lot. Did I miss something? Why didn't I see this coming? Why couldn't it have been stopped? I'll never understand. I try not to beat myself up about it. I know you don't want me to, but you just slipped away and I feel like I failed. I failed our children. I failed our family. I failed our friends. I failed you. I am not enough, Jay. You were wrong. I am not that strong. I don't know how to do this without you.
I'm sad for me, but I may be more sad for our children. Little girls shouldn't grow up without their daddy. It's the worst thing I can imagine and yet we are living that. I'm not enough for them. Arabelle was your sidekick, she was always a daddy's girl, she needs you. How will I ever be enough for her? She'll have plenty of father figures, but she'll never have you. I think that hurts my heart the most. It makes me so angry. It's so unfair.
I wrapped some presents today and it was painful. How can it be that I'm doing such things without you? I'm taking the girls to the Dash in a few days...without you. How can that be? It just doesn't make sense. I wish so desperately it wasn't true. I want to go back. I don't want to move forward. I want to wake up to our life. I don't want to wake up to this other, foreign life. I don't have regrets, but I need more time with you. We had plans. We were going to buy a house in the mountains on a lake one day. We were going to grow old together. We were going to put our children through college. We were going to take a great trip for our 10 year anniversary. We were going to bring another child into this world. We were going to have more family time this spring. We were happy.
I want to do those things with you. Why did you leave? I know you weren't ready. I know you didn't want to go. I don't want to look at our life in pictures. I don't want to cling desperately to my memories. I want you. I want our life back.
Four weeks tomorrow. Four long, painful weeks. There are many more to come. It gets harder and harder every day.
I hope you are well. I hope you are looking out for us. I hope to see you again in my dreams.
I love you. I miss you more than you'll ever know. I wish you were here all day every day.