We've gotten through three work/school mornings without you. We've been on time. Everything has gone smoothly for the most part. I'm tired though. So tired. There's so many things to take care of in your absence. I'd like to sleep for a day to give my mind and body a break. There's no time for that.
I've been treating myself to hot chocolate or a cappuccino from RaceTrac the last few mornings. I can't seem to drink coffee lately. Actually, I find it repulsive right now. I ran into a former student and he bought my drink this morning. I don't think he knows we lost you, he was just being nice. Such a small gesture, but it really stuck with me this morning. I think life is truly about the small things; the simple gestures that let people know you care. You were good at the small things. You were good at the big things, the boring things, the hard things. You were good at life. I miss you.
I don't feel like I've been super-productive at work. My mind is foggy, my body is tired, my thoughts are elsewhere. You are always on my mind. Always. When the girls aren't around, I'm keenly aware your absence, of the void you've left behind. I can see our life, all of it. I wonder if all of it led to this. Was this always going to happen? Was this just an awful thing that randomly happened? Did you know this was coming? Did you sense it in the hospital? I told you everything would be okay. I was wrong.
I want to hold your hand. I want to walk alongside you. I want to laugh with you. I want to do life with you. I want to hug you. I want more. It wasn't enough, Jay. I'm afraid I'll forgot how it felt to hold your hand, to hug you, to kiss you. Please don't let me forget.
I love you. I miss you. I wish you were here.