I couldn't work today. I went to work. I got there on time. I sat in my car for 15 minutes. I couldn't get out of my car. I was a mess. I went home to be alone. I needed some time alone. I needed to let the pain wash through me. It started last night. Well, it started November 17...but the crying, the unstoppable crying started last night. The girls and I Facetimed with your parents. The realization that I would be doing that without you hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm taking the girls to Winston on Saturday like we always did for Christmas...without you. The gravity of that reality hit me hard, too. I managed to get the girls to bed and then I just lost it.
I wrote to you last night. I was angry. I wanted to feel better. I didn't, but the tears stopped flowing. This morning after I dropped the girls off at school the tears came back in full force. I fell apart. I drove to work. I thought it would stop, but I couldn't get out of my car. I couldn't pull myself together. I couldn't do anything. I went home.
I read through all your blog postings from May 2004 to July 2007, the beginning of our life together. I looked through pictures of our life. Our story, our life it was beautiful. Why did it end? I wonder did everything lead to this, was this always going to happen, or was this just an awful thing that randomly happened? Why you? I don't wish this on someone else, but why you? Living without you seems impossible. My heart is so sad, so broken. My soul is crushed.
I'm tired of putting up an "I'm okay" face. I'm not okay. No one asked me to do it, but I feel like I have to. I have to act like I'm surviving. I have to act like I'm okay. I'm tired. It's exhausting. Going through the motions of life is physically exhausting, mentally draining, and emotionally depressing. You're not here. I don't want to go through life without you.
I want to hold your hand so desperately. How many times did I hold your hand to give my strength or confidence to approach a challenging situation? How many times did I hold your hand for reassurance because I was scared? How many times did I hold your hand because you were mine and I was yours, because I love you so deeply? I just want to hold your hand.
Why did you leave? Why did you get sick? What happened? I don't understand. Will I ever understand? Our life shouldn't have come to this. I want to stop crying. I want this pain to go away.
I love you forever. I miss you every day. I wish you were here more than you'll ever know.