I miss you. I am a different me without you. My perspective is forever changed. I'm still trying to focus on the good things and the happy memories, but that doesn't fill the void in my heart. Or the void in life. It doesn't make me laugh when I'm mad or comfort me when I'm sad like you always did. It has been a very emotional weekend and all I really needed was you. Just you, the one thing I can't have.
I'm taking things one day at at time, sometimes one moment at a time. Generally, we're doing okay. Managing everything without you is hard though. It can seem and feel overwhelming and stressful. At night after the girls go to bed, I feel like I should be following up on things, making decisions about our life, writing thank you notes, cleaning our house, figuring out where Baby #3 will go, so many things to sort out. I want to discuss these things with you. You've been my sounding board for the last 10 years and suddenly you're gone. Most days I'm so worn out that I just go to bed right after the girls. At the end of the day, I need both a mental time out and a physical break. I know I'll never get a true mental break from this grief, but sometimes my mind needs the rest my heart cannot have. I let myself off the hook and save those things for another day.
I miss you, Jay. I miss everything about you. I miss the way you let your clothes pile up on the step stool in the closet. I miss the way you came in the door and always hugged and kissed me. I miss the way you and danced and played with the girls. I miss your laugh and your love of classic toys. I miss the way you made me laugh every day. I miss your Sunday night PPV wrestling parties. I miss talking with you.
I still don't understand how all this happened. I can't remember what we talked about that Tuesday in the hospital. It's so blurry now. It happened so fast. There was barely time to process it all. I didn't think it was that serious. I knew you'd be fine...and then you were gone. How? Why? I'm still so confused.
Some days it weighs heavier on me than other days. I miss you so deeply. I never thought I'd live without you. Truly, I didn't. In my head, we would grow old together and I would go before you. We would be old together, that's the key point. I never saw this coming.
As Arabelle would say, I love you in the whole wide universe. I miss you all the time.