When I was a kid, there were very few things more important to me then my family and friends. My Star Wars toys ranked up there, but Carolina basketball was probably tops on my list. I mean, hell, if Carolina lost a game, I'd try and play sick for the next school day so I didn't have to listen to other folks talk smack. I loved Carolina basketball. I watched every game that was ok TV, and I dreamt of playing for Coach Smith and wearing that Carolina jersey.
After about the 5th grade, I realized I would never make it to play for Coach Smith, but at least I could still root for the Heels and hope to see them win a national championship. That dream came true in 1993 when an incredibly talented team, lead by George Lynch, defeated Michigan 77-71. It was one of the coolest feelings I'd had as a kid. Well, that and the Jays winning the Series in '92 and '93.
So now I have that opportunity again, to see Carolina win a national championship. This time though, I'll be able to see it live and in person. YES, I was fortunate enough to obtain tickets to this year's Final Four. HOLY HELL!!! I'm so excited, I can't even explain. I do have two tickets, and my Mom is coming with me. She too, is a life-long Tar Heel fan. I'm hoping the Heels win it just for her!
In other big news this week, my Dad retired Wednesday from RJR Tobacco. He's been with the company forever and has worked his ass off for years. He deserves the time off. Along with my mother, he provided everything my sister and I could've needed while growing up. I'm sure he'll have a period of time where he will want to just relax and be a bum ... hell, I want that ... but he needs to take some time to improve his health. We all get older each day, but my dad is having some hip problems. I just want him to be healthy as much as possible, and I hope he redirects part of his life to deal with that situation. Dad, you know I love you.
So I was in Chicago for a brief period of time this week. I'll probably get yelled at by some folks up there for not seeing them, but it was a very quick trip. I did end up spending some time with an old friend for whom I have had deep care for almost two years now. She and I spent some time laughing and talking, but when it boiled down to it, I finally had to end my fantasy of being with her. She is happy now, and it is a bit hard to deal with. I'm thrilled she is happy. That IS important to me, but a part of me hoped she'd be happy with me.
So when I got back to the hotel, a few beers under my breath, I decided to write a Lowe Down on the tiny Best Western pad of paper by the bed. You'll have to excuse the strong emotion. I am better about things now, but I still wanted to share this. So before I head to St. Louis, here is what would have been another drunken rambling by jaylowe:
Any girl would be lucky to have you.
I used to think my Mom told me that to build my confidence. Little did I know the phrase would haunt me 20 years later.
See, I don't want "any" girl. I want desire. I want passion. I want to not fear that my marriage might not be what I want. I want my children to see a happy home. I want them to see me give everything to my wife. I want them to see my argue with my wife, but then see me do everything ... see her do everything ... just to make it right.
Alas, I am stuck with that phrase. Two years after falling in love, I mean deep love, that is what I am left with.
I don't blame her. I don't blame me. I've felt passion and desire. As I told her the other night, I'll feel it again. I will, right?
I suppose it is just the time where you move on and shut up. I've been on a self destructive path lately and this could easily add to it. But I won't let it. This is my own personal intervention to correct my life. To know that all I want is out there. To know that the feeling I get while watching romantic movies will come again. This is my chance for rebirth.
Don't expect me to leave my job or uproot my life. I'm too strong for that. However, I'll take the time to remind myself what I need, what I want and what I desire.