I had a strange dream last night. It left me a little sideways this morning. Maybe it's the pregnancy hormones, maybe it's because I am missing you so much, maybe it's my brain trying to make sense of things. I remembered every detail. It played in my head over and over today.
We had a large gathering with friends from all different parts of your life. You were leaving in two weeks. It wasn't said, but understood you were leaving permanently. You were dying. You weren't sick though. Your time was ending and we all knew why we were there. It wasn't a sad gathering, we celebrated your life. There was a large dinner to follow the gathering. As people prepared for dinner time, some friends went straight to the dinner locale and others decided to venture off for a pre-dinner drink elsewhere.
You were trying to decide where to go with a few friends. I asked you to wait for me. I wanted to be with you. I don't know where I went, but when I returned you were gone. Assuming you skipped the pre-dinner drink, I headed to the dinner locale. You weren't there. I was upset you left me and a little angry. We were in a big city that was unfamiliar to me. I wasn't sure where you had gone. I grabbed my purse, phone, and a gun (?) and headed off to find you. I mapped the location where I thought you might be. On the way, I felt scared and vulnerable and like danger was lurking right behind me and in front of me at every turn. I got angry and I called you. You answered the phone, but I don't remember you speaking. I was so pissed at you for leaving me in a scary situation I cursed at you. My anger turned into distress and pouting. I hung up very abruptly as if I was going to teach you a lesson.
You didn't call me back or even text me. I felt deeply hurt and abandoned. It took a lot of work to get to the place where I thought you might be. It was like I was in a maze with obstacles at every turn, but it was a city, a big scary city. You weren't there. I mapped another place. You still didn't call. Everything was so densely packed in the city and yet so far away, it was difficult to get anywhere. I was both tired and scared, so I ran into an Asian restaurant. I wandered through their sparse gift shop. There was something in there that was attracted to me. I don't know what it was exactly, it was hanging from the ceiling like a pinata. It moved towards me. It wouldn't get away from me. The store clerks said it was attracted to people that had spirits around them. I didn't understand what they meant. I got scared and ran out of the store.
Not matter how hard I tried I couldn't find you. You were constantly out of reach, just beyond my grasp. You were there, but I couldn't get to you. Every time I got close, it seems like you moved on to the next location. I never knew exactly where you were.
I was rattled this morning. There's weird version of reality in my dreams. It was so vivid it could have been real. Why did I remember so much of it? Was it the realistic aspect of it? Was it the pregnancy hormones messing with my head?
I get the symbolism and realism of the whole thing. I know you didn't leave me. I know you had to go, but that doesn't change the feelings that follow losing you. I know you are here, just out of touch/reach, beyond recognition, but you are here.
I think of you all the time. I talk to you all the time. Mostly in my mind, sometimes out loud. I hope you can hear me.
I love you. I miss you all the time. I wish you were here.