Dear Jay,
So we're having another girl. You were right. You said it would be a girl. I felt so strongly it was a boy for the last couple months. I was surprised. It took me a couple hours to process. So, three girls. Oh, the craziness that will be (or already is) our life. I wish you were going to be here to see them grow up, to wipe away their tears, to kiss their boo boos, to read them stories at night, to play with them, to sing with them, to be their daddy. I know you are so proud of them. They are such beautiful rays of light in the darkest moment of my life.
My heart is still very heavy without you. I'm heartbroken you'll have a daughter that will never truly know you. I worry I'm not enough. You left such big shoes to fill, you were bigger than life. I am trying to be the best I can be for them. I hope every day to make you proud, to live up to the strong woman you saw in me, to live as freely and openly as you. I am a work in progress. The grief still weighs very heavy on me, but I am trying.
Arabelle cried for you this morning. We were on the way to her favorite breakfast spot and I noticed she was upset. She was sad for you. She misses you. She said she wanted you. It crushed my heart. I know she thinks of you and misses you, but I guess I hope she's okay, that she doesn't feel a deep sadness. I hope I can bear the burden of grief for her and Emery. Wishful thinking. I know I cannot and I do not.
You're on my mind all day every day, but I've been too tired some nights to write you. Single parenting while pregnant isn't easy. There is still such a void without you. We are managing our different life and learning to accept it, even though we all want our old life back.
I hope you are well. I hope I'll see you in my dreams. I hope we'll be truly happy again one day.
I love you. I miss you. I wish you were here.
Yours,
Courtney
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