Dear Jay,
We didn't go to the Athens Christmas parade this year. I couldn't do it without you. It took all my strength not to cry at Starbucks the other morning. They were playing holiday music, specifically, Hallelujah, and it made me feel such grief. I knew the parade was out. Instead, we had a big chaotic, family dinner at Cheddars with Mom, Phil, Claire, Chance, and Piper. Yep, it was crazy, but it was a happy and welcome distraction. Emery ate like a piggy. You should have seen her. She literally ate off of everyone's plate. Arabelle picked at her food like she normally does.
Arabelle got sick again Thursday night/early Friday morning. She missed school again on Friday. Two days this week. It was a rough week. I didn't sleep well, Arabelle didn't sleep well, but Emery did okay most nights.
The nights were long, but the days were longer. I sorted through our life...I had several meetings this week and I made numerous phone calls. I've made some important decisions in your absence. Decisions I didn't want to make, but decisions I had to make. I've been told repeatedly not to make any big decisions right now. It's hard to do that when your life is turned upside down. The only thing I want to do it make everything right again. That's an impossible goal, I know. I've avoided any life changing decisions though. It was an emotionally, mentally, and physically draining week.
Life is hard right now. It's not supposed to be like this. We were supposed to be in New York City this weekend celebrating the Christmas season. Our house should have been decorated for the holidays. We should be snuggling and sharing funny stories about the girls. I should be telling you how the last few weekends without sports have been the absolute best. I should be telling you how thankful I am to have more time with you, that I'm looking forward to all the fun things we're going to do in the spring, and how I can't wait to tailgate with you - as real spectators!
We should have been preparing for that big December purchase we've been talking about. We should be together. I should be scrunching my nose at you because your mustache hair tickled me when we kissed. We should making Christmas cookies with the girls. We should be turning on Christmas lights and listening to Christmas music. You should still be here.
I wish I had told you how blissfully happy I felt to have you home with us those first two weekends in November. I thought we had more time. I didn't know. I didn't know the end was coming. I didn't see it coming. I didn't believe it was coming either. They told me you were really sick. No one said you were dying. Everyone thought you would pull through. You're young and healthy, no history of illness or medical complications. I didn't get it. I didn't understand. Horrible things like that don't just happen. There's so many things I want to tell you. There's so many things I need to tell you.
I don't know why you left us. I know your body was tired and you fought really hard, but I don't know what happened. I don't know why it happened. It's eating at me. Did I miss something, did we miss something, did I fail you? I feel like I failed you. I feel like I failed us, I feel like I failed the girls. I don't know how to raise them without you. People keep saying you're with me, and I know what they mean, and sometimes I believe them. But you're not really with me. I can't see you, or hear you, or feel you. It's not the same. It will never be the same. It's not right. It's not okay. It's heartbreaking, soul crushing, life shattering not okay.
Please visit me in my dreams. Tell me I can do this.
I love you. I miss you. I wish you were here.
Yours,
Courtney
We didn't go to the Athens Christmas parade this year. I couldn't do it without you. It took all my strength not to cry at Starbucks the other morning. They were playing holiday music, specifically, Hallelujah, and it made me feel such grief. I knew the parade was out. Instead, we had a big chaotic, family dinner at Cheddars with Mom, Phil, Claire, Chance, and Piper. Yep, it was crazy, but it was a happy and welcome distraction. Emery ate like a piggy. You should have seen her. She literally ate off of everyone's plate. Arabelle picked at her food like she normally does.
Arabelle got sick again Thursday night/early Friday morning. She missed school again on Friday. Two days this week. It was a rough week. I didn't sleep well, Arabelle didn't sleep well, but Emery did okay most nights.
The nights were long, but the days were longer. I sorted through our life...I had several meetings this week and I made numerous phone calls. I've made some important decisions in your absence. Decisions I didn't want to make, but decisions I had to make. I've been told repeatedly not to make any big decisions right now. It's hard to do that when your life is turned upside down. The only thing I want to do it make everything right again. That's an impossible goal, I know. I've avoided any life changing decisions though. It was an emotionally, mentally, and physically draining week.
Life is hard right now. It's not supposed to be like this. We were supposed to be in New York City this weekend celebrating the Christmas season. Our house should have been decorated for the holidays. We should be snuggling and sharing funny stories about the girls. I should be telling you how the last few weekends without sports have been the absolute best. I should be telling you how thankful I am to have more time with you, that I'm looking forward to all the fun things we're going to do in the spring, and how I can't wait to tailgate with you - as real spectators!
We should have been preparing for that big December purchase we've been talking about. We should be together. I should be scrunching my nose at you because your mustache hair tickled me when we kissed. We should making Christmas cookies with the girls. We should be turning on Christmas lights and listening to Christmas music. You should still be here.
I wish I had told you how blissfully happy I felt to have you home with us those first two weekends in November. I thought we had more time. I didn't know. I didn't know the end was coming. I didn't see it coming. I didn't believe it was coming either. They told me you were really sick. No one said you were dying. Everyone thought you would pull through. You're young and healthy, no history of illness or medical complications. I didn't get it. I didn't understand. Horrible things like that don't just happen. There's so many things I want to tell you. There's so many things I need to tell you.
I don't know why you left us. I know your body was tired and you fought really hard, but I don't know what happened. I don't know why it happened. It's eating at me. Did I miss something, did we miss something, did I fail you? I feel like I failed you. I feel like I failed us, I feel like I failed the girls. I don't know how to raise them without you. People keep saying you're with me, and I know what they mean, and sometimes I believe them. But you're not really with me. I can't see you, or hear you, or feel you. It's not the same. It will never be the same. It's not right. It's not okay. It's heartbreaking, soul crushing, life shattering not okay.
Please visit me in my dreams. Tell me I can do this.
I love you. I miss you. I wish you were here.
Yours,
Courtney
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