Dear Jay,
To say I miss you would be the understatement of a lifetime. I felt like I was beginning to accept our different life, that I was fighting it less. I may have been wrong. The last couple days have been rough. I've fought back my grief and tears too many times to count. Sometimes I don't want to feel sad, I want to be okay. I am not, of course, but I want to be okay for the girls. I know it'll take time. Sometimes I still feel like I can't breathe. My soul is still crushed, my heart is still shattered, and I wonder why this happened. At night, the days in the hospital play in my head over and over. I'm searching for something, anything, an answer. I want to make sense of all this, and yet I know it won't make any difference.
I hear people talk about faith and God's plan...I can't believe this was God's plan. Our daughters don't have a daddy. How could that ever be part of God's plan? How unfair and cruel. I am sad for them every day. I'm heart broken for them all the time. I worry about Arabelle, she never got to tell you good bye. Will she resent me for that one day? Will that crush her soul like it does mine? What about Emery? Will she grow up with a void in her life? Will they be okay? I can't be everything and I worry about them and their future. How will they ever know what a happy, healthy relationship looks like? I'll tell them, but it's not the same as seeing your parents in love. It's not the same as having your daddy to show you how you are to be treated by a man. Nothing will ever be the same. That's a harsh reality, one I could do without.
People tell me I will be okay, but I will not be the same. I know that to be true, but I didn't really get it until recently. Things I cared about two months seem unimportant now. Most problems seems trivial and I can't small talk with people. I'm still very wrapped up in my own pain and sadness. I want to care about other things, I want to be interested, but I'm just not there yet. I hoped that would pass in time. A couple days ago, something happened that made me realize I am different. It wasn't a significant event, other than it hit me that I may always be different. A part of me passed away with you. For a little while, I grieved for me, for the loss of who I was. I don't know who I am or who I will become, but I hope I'm a better person than I was before. Really, all I want is to be me again...the me who got to spend life with you.
I am tired of looking at our life in pictures, of replaying memories in my head. Sometimes I feel angry that we were robbed of our life together, sometimes I am deeply saddened. It's such a confusing range of emotions. We no longer exist in the present or the future. We are a part of the past. Of course, I have the girls and baby #3 and they are part of us that exist in the present and future, but "we" do not. It's awful. It's not even something that was a part of my nightmares or worst fears, because it wasn't something I perceived could happen. It wasn't something I even saw coming.
It is real, and it is painful, and sometimes I want to pack up and move. I want to escape it all and start fresh. I want to be anywhere away from here, away from this reality, away from this hell. Realistically, I know it'll come with me. I can't run away from these feelings. I carry them with me all the time, maybe one day I'll get used to them and carry them differently.
I'm always looking over my shoulder, I'm always searching for you, for some recognition that you're there.
I love you. I miss you every moment of every day. I wish you were here all the time.
Yours,
Courtney
To say I miss you would be the understatement of a lifetime. I felt like I was beginning to accept our different life, that I was fighting it less. I may have been wrong. The last couple days have been rough. I've fought back my grief and tears too many times to count. Sometimes I don't want to feel sad, I want to be okay. I am not, of course, but I want to be okay for the girls. I know it'll take time. Sometimes I still feel like I can't breathe. My soul is still crushed, my heart is still shattered, and I wonder why this happened. At night, the days in the hospital play in my head over and over. I'm searching for something, anything, an answer. I want to make sense of all this, and yet I know it won't make any difference.
I hear people talk about faith and God's plan...I can't believe this was God's plan. Our daughters don't have a daddy. How could that ever be part of God's plan? How unfair and cruel. I am sad for them every day. I'm heart broken for them all the time. I worry about Arabelle, she never got to tell you good bye. Will she resent me for that one day? Will that crush her soul like it does mine? What about Emery? Will she grow up with a void in her life? Will they be okay? I can't be everything and I worry about them and their future. How will they ever know what a happy, healthy relationship looks like? I'll tell them, but it's not the same as seeing your parents in love. It's not the same as having your daddy to show you how you are to be treated by a man. Nothing will ever be the same. That's a harsh reality, one I could do without.
People tell me I will be okay, but I will not be the same. I know that to be true, but I didn't really get it until recently. Things I cared about two months seem unimportant now. Most problems seems trivial and I can't small talk with people. I'm still very wrapped up in my own pain and sadness. I want to care about other things, I want to be interested, but I'm just not there yet. I hoped that would pass in time. A couple days ago, something happened that made me realize I am different. It wasn't a significant event, other than it hit me that I may always be different. A part of me passed away with you. For a little while, I grieved for me, for the loss of who I was. I don't know who I am or who I will become, but I hope I'm a better person than I was before. Really, all I want is to be me again...the me who got to spend life with you.
I am tired of looking at our life in pictures, of replaying memories in my head. Sometimes I feel angry that we were robbed of our life together, sometimes I am deeply saddened. It's such a confusing range of emotions. We no longer exist in the present or the future. We are a part of the past. Of course, I have the girls and baby #3 and they are part of us that exist in the present and future, but "we" do not. It's awful. It's not even something that was a part of my nightmares or worst fears, because it wasn't something I perceived could happen. It wasn't something I even saw coming.
It is real, and it is painful, and sometimes I want to pack up and move. I want to escape it all and start fresh. I want to be anywhere away from here, away from this reality, away from this hell. Realistically, I know it'll come with me. I can't run away from these feelings. I carry them with me all the time, maybe one day I'll get used to them and carry them differently.
I'm always looking over my shoulder, I'm always searching for you, for some recognition that you're there.
I love you. I miss you every moment of every day. I wish you were here all the time.
Yours,
Courtney
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