It's been over two months since I've written you. I don't know if I've been avoiding writing, which really means avoiding my feelings, trying to focus on other things, or just surviving. I suppose that's not entirely true. I could say I'm giving myself a mental and emotional break, but I prefer to hide my feelings, I bury them, I avoid them, I ignore them. I don't want to feel sad or empty or lonely, but I do. There is such a deep pain that feels the spot you once occupied. I am lonely and I feel lost. There's an emptiness without you, a gaping hole, an awareness that you're always missing. I don't know where I'm going, I don't have a plan, I feel like a rudderless ship.
I still don't believe this happened to us. I still can't believe something like this could happen. Some days it feels like it just happened yesterday, other days it feels like our life has always been this way. Grief is a weird thing; it messy and erratic and ugly. The reality of our life is hard to deal with, it is still so overwhelming, and painful. Sometimes I feel very angry that you're gone, other times I think my broken heart could tear me apart.
I worry about the girls. I've said this before, but how will I ever be enough for them? Why do they have to grow up without their daddy? I hate it. They're just too young. I worry I'm too hard sometimes and too soft other times. You kept me balanced. Maybe I overreact sometimes, maybe I'm not patient enough, maybe I'm just not enough, maybe I wasn't cut out to do this without you? I just don't know.
I look at pictures of Arabelle with you and I worry that she doesn't smile with me like she did with you, and it breaks my heart. Arabelle woke up crying the other morning. She said she missed you, and the dogs. Our life has changed so much so quickly. She's only four - why does she have to deal with this ugly part of life already? Emery has called out for you recently. She's gotten upset and cried for daddy. She knows you're not here, but she doesn't understand what happened yet. One day, I'll have to explain to her what happened...and I'll have to tell Baby Girl #3 as well. Life is unfair, but I wish the girls weren't learning how unfair it can be so early in their lives.
You've been gone nearly five months. The permanence of your loss is painful, the grief has caught me off guard many times in the last couple weeks. I've struggled to keep my emotions at bay. Sometimes it's a song that triggers tears out of nowhere, or the realization that there will be many firsts without you, or a picture that overwhelms me. I miss you more and more with each passing day. I can't tell you what I'd give to hug you or hold your hand...just one more time.
I love you forever. I miss you always.