jaylowe.com
  • jaylowe.com
  • the lowe down
  • resume
  • argus
    • argus history
    • argus songs
    • brian
    • erich
    • greg
    • donovan
    • michael
    • jay
  • photos
  • links

September Slump

9/24/2017

 
Dear Jay, 

It's been 11 months since I've written. I've wanted to write you numerous times. I haven't made time for it. Sometimes I avoid it. Writing is emotional, cathartic, sad, painful. It's a time to process my feelings and sometimes I just can't. Don't want to. Nearly two years later and it is still that hard, that painful at times. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you, wish you were here, wonder what life would be like if you were still here with us.

We moved. I love our new house. Moving was a good decision for us. It felt like a fresh start that I longed for in many ways. So, you can imagine my surprise when a wave of sadness hit me. It has stuck with me most of the month. I didn't expect it. I didn't see it coming. Grief is a long, hard journey full of the unexpected. I get it now - why moving brought out so many emotions. It marks a new chapter. One that does not include you, one that I never wanted. It feels like I'm accepting life as it is all over again. Life without you. I'll never like it. I'll never be okay with it. You've been gone nearly two years. That horrifies me. I can't figure out how time has passed so quickly.

Emery asks about you all the time. I try my best to answer her questions. She doesn't understand yet. She knows you are in heaven. She knows you live in her heart. She wonders when you are coming home. I wish she didn't have to ask questions about you. I wish she didn't have to figure it out. Tonight she fell asleep in my lap with her head on my shoulder. I just held her. It was the best moment of the weekend for me. Not because she was asleep, but because I got hold her and love her and for a moment, she was my baby again. 

Cora is nearly 15 months. She doesn't let me rock her to sleep anymore. She's too wiggly. She's a ray of sunshine though. She's joyful and curious and sassy and loving. She has beautiful blue eyes. She throws food at the dinner table, hoards Cheerios, recognizes treats and squawks for them like no other. She waves at people like a queen. She could almost be Emery 2.0. I wish she had the opportunity to know you. 

Our new neighborhood has lots of kids. We've been here less than a month and we've met a bunch of our neighbors already. Emery is amused by all the people riding bikes in the neighborhood. Arabelle loves to do cartwheels in the grass. Cora is happy on the driveway; she's not sure about the grass yet. The girls are happy. They have friends in the neighborhood. They ran around the yard squealing with laughter and delight the other night after some friends stopped by to say hello. This is why we moved. Watching them play and laugh and be carefree made my heart more happy than I can express. 

I miss you. I miss our life. I miss holding your hand in the car. I think of that all time. I want to reach out for you, for your hand. I want to lean on you when I need some extra support. I miss the small things that made up our life together. 

You are always in my heart. I love you. 

​Courtney 



Comments are closed.

    the lowe down

    The life and times of Jay Lowe, a 30-something university employee, music lover, husband, sports enthusiast and most importantly, dad.

    current enjoyments

    Picture
    Jackopiece - Live 25
    Picture
    Aftermath: Star Wars: Journey to Star Wars: The Force Awakens

    email

    email suggestions to [email protected]

    RSS Feed

    archives

    September 2017
    October 2016
    September 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    February 2014
    October 2013
    September 2013
    July 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    October 2011
    September 2011
    August 2011
    April 2011
    March 2011
    February 2011
    January 2011
    December 2010
    November 2010
    October 2010
    September 2010
    August 2010
    July 2010
    May 2010
    April 2010
    March 2010
    February 2010
    January 2010
    December 2009
    November 2009
    October 2009
    September 2009
    August 2009
    November 2008
    September 2008
    July 2008
    May 2008
    April 2008
    December 2007
    October 2007
    September 2007
    July 2007
    June 2007
    April 2007
    January 2007
    December 2006
    November 2006
    October 2006
    August 2006
    June 2006
    May 2006
    April 2006
    March 2006
    February 2006
    January 2006
    November 2005
    October 2005
    September 2005
    August 2005
    July 2005
    June 2005
    May 2005
    April 2005
    March 2005
    February 2005
    January 2005
    December 2004
    November 2004
    October 2004
    September 2004
    August 2004
    July 2004
    June 2004
    May 2004
    April 2004
    March 2004
    February 2004
    January 2004
    December 2003
    November 2003
    October 2003
    September 2003
    August 2003
    July 2003
    June 2003
    May 2003
    April 2003
    March 2003
    February 2003
    January 2003
    December 2002
    November 2002
    October 2002
    September 2002
    August 2002
    July 2002
    June 2002
    May 2002
    April 2002
    March 2002
    February 2002
    January 2002

Proudly powered by Weebly