Sometimes the pain of your loss takes my breath away. Sometimes I cannot look at your pictures without feeling angry and sad, without crying. Other days your pictures make me smile. I still feel so cheated. Though I know I should be grateful for the time I had with you, I will always feel cheated. I saw us growing old, sitting on a porch, watching our grandchildren play, reflecting on our life, and happily being retired together. I thought that was a given, not a maybe. How stupid I was and how frustrated I feel when people say, "you have time." No, that is not true; it is not a given, it is not a guarantee.
I still can't get my mind around what happened. Most of the time I try not to think about those days in November. They were the worst days of my life, the scariest, most painful, most heartbreaking, longest, and hardest days I've ever been through. I hope and pray we never experience days like that again in the future.
I feel more edgy, anxious. grumpy, and scared as your birthday approaches, as Baby Girl's arrival approaches, as time passes. Maybe it's the hormones and maybe it'll pass. Maybe it's part of the grief. I think Erich told me the four to six month window is hard as acceptance sets in. We're approaching six months already. Can you believe that? Time move so fast. With all the sudden changes, I feel overwhelmed at times. I suppose that's not out of the ordinary though. You'd always tell me to relax, to sit down, that I didn't have to do it all. Now, I do have to do it all - not all at once, of course. But I have to do it all. You're not here to help. I have handle kids things, baby things, house things, work things, bills, laundry, discipline, and the list goes on...all things. I feel pulled in many directions, which leaves me tired, stressed, grumpy, and just drained. All of those things are taxing for anybody, but especially for me....a pregnant, grieving, introverted mother of two. Going to the beach this summer would have been nice. I probably would have stayed down there for a couple weeks, just to take a break from our life. Maybe I'll get to escape down there after baby is born?
I had a dream about you the other night. We were outside somewhere and you ran by, but didn't see us or hear us calling for you. Right there, but out of reach at the same time. The few dreams I have had about you seem to reflect the struggle in my mind...the notion that you're both here with us and in heaven. I want a dream where you see me, where I can talk to you, where you're not out of reach...just one.
I love you always. I miss you more than I could ever express.