I remember my senior year of college. I had no idea what was going on with my life. No clue. I had what I thought was a great relationship and I was headed to grad school the following year. It seems like that would be enough to keep me happy. But it wasn't.
Deep down, I wasn't sure what I wanted. Did I want to be in this serious relationship? Did I just want to have fun? Did I really want to go to grad school, or was it just a way to kill some time? They answers were more difficult to find than I had imagined.
One year later, I had broken off that relationship and was thrilled with life. Yes, I soon found myself in an equally destructive relationship, but I was on my way to becoming me. Not everyone can say that. Some people become what their parents want. Others become what their jobs want. Some succumb to what their significant other wants. Me, I was becoming me.
Four years later ... Jesus, has it been that long? Four years later I look back on that time in my life and a slight grin comes up on my face. I don't smile because I'm bitter about past relationships. I don't smile because I floated through grad school, probably drinking more than I ever have. I smile, because now I am me. I've found myself. I don't think that hit me until tonight, but I have. I've found what I am and what I need. It is an amazing feeling. Some people go through their entire lives not really understanding and knowing themselves. I've done this in only 26 years. I feel very fortunate to be me. In fact, I love it.
Yeah, I don't expect cupid to come knocking on my door anytime soon. I certainly don't expect the perfect job to land in my lap right away either. But I'm on a road, ya know? I'm on a road where confidence, and maybe even a little bliss, allows me to get through the trials and tribulations of life. Hell no, life isn't perfect for me, but I'll be damned if I'm not going to enjoy it along the way.
And yeah, maybe sometimes I hold on too closely to these ideas of love and happiness that I have in my head, but that is ok by me. It is just part of who I am. Someone will love that. If it takes them awhile, or they figure it out right away, they'll see it. They'll want it. They'll have that same need and desire I will have for them, and it will be as perfect as it possibly can. No, it won't be perfect. It will just be perfect for me.